Page 42 of Losing Sleep
I pushed aside his words—words that sounded oddly familiar, reminiscent of my childhood with a single mother who had always been chasing her next dream.
“Maybe not, but security is generally a good thing.” The soda hissed as I twisted the bottle open and released some of the carbonation. I took a few good swallows, feeling the burn as it traveled down my throat.
“Not if it comes at the expense of your happiness.” Grey’s words sounded casual enough on the surface, but I could hear my mom saying the same thing repeatedly over the years.
“Who said I’m unhappy?” I turned to glare at Grey, who stood closer than I’d anticipated. The sudden stop required to keep from bumping into him caused my Pepsi to splash over the side of the bottle, puddling on the floor.
“Shoot.” I deposited the bottle on the counter and snagged a kitchen towel to mop up the spill, biting my tongue as I worked.
“No one. I just—”
“You spent one car ride with me and listened to me take one frustrating work call and now you think you’re an experton my professional life?” I snapped, ignoring everyone else in the room, my attention focused on Grey and this loaded conversation.
Countless conversations with my mom rang through my ears as I spoke. Conversations about following dreams and finding fulfillment in work. But dreams and fulfillment didn’t pay bills or buy food, something I wished she had realized when I was a kid and uncertain if there’d be dinner when I got home from school.
“I need a shower.” I dropped the towel on the counter and skirted around Grey, afraid to see his face or hear his response to my question.
Chapter Twenty-One
I finished showering, takingmy time as I dried my hair and tried to ignore the emotions Tory’s comments and Grey’s questions had stirred. I hadn’t been happy at work for a long time, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t get better. I just needed time. At least, that’s what I told myself every time dissatisfaction hit and I started dreaming crazy things, like quitting to become a yoga instructor. I’d envisioned it many times, quitting on the spot during a particularly frustrating day, walking out and leaving Drew to fend for himself.
It sounded exhilarating and exactly like something my mom would have done when I was a kid, before Dave had swooped in, making it so she didn’t need to work anymore.
Any time those thoughts got to be too much, I reminded myself the years spent getting a business degree, working myway from a junior to a senior call center agent had to be worth something. Management kept promising me it would be.
But what if it wasn’t?
I’d been promised a promotion for months now, if I could just “hold on a little longer.” But the promises felt hollow, especially with Drew’s recent promotion. Friends in other departments who had been hired after me were climbing the ladder faster. While I envied their progress, they also seemed more stressed and less fulfilled with the change. Whenever I thought about work and the years ahead, it was with a vague sense of panic that had me reaching for a yoga mat. Something I’d promised myself would fade with time as I grew into each new position.
My phone vibrated on the bathroom counter with a text from my mom. She always seemed to know when my anxiety was reaching peak levels.
MOM:How’s the cabin?
ME:Good so far. Lots of fresh air and socializing.
MOM:Sounds like the perfect weekend.
ME:To a degree. How are the girls?
MOM:Currently fighting over a stuffed animal.
I bit back a smile, picturing the familiar scene.
ME:If it’s the pink unicorn, don’t believe Lily when she says it’s hers.
We chatted for a moment, and a sense of longing and loneliness replaced the anxiety I’d been battling since my exchange with Grey. The picture Mom painted, one of bickering daughters and a loving home, was one I’d dreamed of my entire life. It was hard not to envy her, getting to live that dream, while I was a grown, twenty-six-year-old adult, too old to live at home and enjoy my mom’s new reality.
Shaking off the melancholy, I stole one more glance in the mirror. My hair was curled to perfection, my makeup applied as if I was headed into the office instead of hanging out in thewoods. I knew there were only a few hours left in the day. Yet, I needed my armor tonight. I needed something to hide behind if Grey or Tory started asking tough questions about my job again.
I stepped out of the bathroom to the sound of kitchen cupboards slamming and the smell of cooking meat filtering throughout the cabin. When I entered the kitchen, Tory stood at the stove, spatula in hand, as she talked to Alex, who had perched himself on a nearby barstool. Trent was lounging on the couch, typing on his phone. Someone had returned the furniture to the living room while I’d gotten ready.
“Where is everyone?” I asked, snagging an olive from a yellow bowl sitting on the counter next to Alex and doing my best to pretend I hadn’t stormed out in frustration earlier. Maybe if I ignored my behavior, they would too.
“Dang girl, you clean up good! Got a hot date?” Tory’s eyebrows danced, and she waved the spatula in my direction, dripping flecks of oil onto the floor.
I grabbed a paper towel and wiped up the mess, pretending like her comments hadn’t made me blush.
“After a day in the woods, I wanted to feel human again.” I shrugged off her words. My appearance had nothing to do with Kylie’s name-brand clothes, Grey’s cheeky smiles, or my echoes of self-doubt as I pondered my career, full of security but lacking enjoyment.
