Page 96 of Chasing Forever
“Can we sit?” I ask.
“We can do whatever you want.” He guides me down onto the grass, our hands still entwined.
“The wedding was fast-tracked for obvious reasons. Holden started looking for jobs in Lincoln and Omaha. I wanted to stay more local now that we were having a baby, but he sold me on leaving. He was good at getting his way and getting others to agree as if they’d never thought any differently. Soon he expanded his search to Seattle, New York, Los Angeles. He’d spend hours dreaming on Zillow, planning nurseries in cities I’d never stepped foot in. It was like a fairytale.”
“Sounds like Holden,” Brooks grumbles.
I shake my head, ashamed I was so naïve. “I let my whole world become about him. I never once asked myself what I wanted. If I wanted to go to school. Work. Anything other than to just… be his.”
Brooks runs his hand down my leg, a quiet reassurance that I’m not alone in this anymore.
“We were three days out from the wedding when I lost the baby. I started bleeding and cramping. My mom rushed me to the hospital. Holden didn’t come for hours. Said his phone died.”
“I remember,” he says, voice tight.
I look up, startled. “That’s right, you were there.”
He nods. “I brought him. Found him drinking with his friends in Lincoln.”
A lump forms in my throat. I’d forgotten. Or maybe I’d buried the memory.
“You probably remember your parents coming into my room and telling us we didn’t have to go through with the wedding anymore. That maybe losing the baby was a sign it wasn’t meant to be.”
He nods again. “They were horrible.”
“But Holden doubled down. Said we’d still get married.”
“He never liked anyone telling him what to do. If my dad said stop, he was going to sprint. I don’t mean that he didn’t want to marry you?—”
“It’s okay. I think he didn’t want to, but the more your parents fought it, the more persistent he became that we’d still get married.”
Brooks frowns. “Truth be told, I was really proud of him. I didn’t want to watch him marry the girl I wanted, but I was so happy he didn’t listen to my parents.” Brooks looks away, swallowing hard. “I hated it too though. Watching you be in love with a man who didn’t deserve you, when I…”
I squeeze his hand. He doesn’t have to finish.
“I wore the big puffy dress. Had my hair and makeup done. Waited inside the church on the square and had my pictures taken in the gazebo in the town square before the ceremony while half the town watched on. Everyone in town was invited. Sure, I had some nerves, but I was determined to marry him.”
“You made a beautiful bride.”
A sad sort of chuckle leaves my lips. “You didn’t see me until after. When I was crying on the floor, dress bunched around me, mascara running down my face.”
“I’ll never forget that moment,” he murmurs.
God, I don’t want to do this last part, but I have to. My mom is right—if I don’t tell Brooks what happened, then we can’t move forward. I straighten and take his hands. Mack presses close, resting his head on my thigh as if he knows I’m about to come undone.
“Something else happened that you need to know about, Brooks. Between the miscarriage and the wedding.”
He squeezes my hand.
“Brooks…” My voice trembles. “Brooks…”
Wetness pools in my eyes because I’m about to break his heart. Whether or not he decides to still be with me, he’s going to have to figure out if he still wants a life with me based on this new information.
“You can tell me, Lottie.” He dips his head to meet my gaze.
“I can’t… my uterus… shaped… I can’t carry… a baby.” I close my eyes and inhale the deepest breath before opening my eyes, tears spilling down my cheeks.
He stills. His hand slips from mine, and the air in my lungs collapses.
