Page 90 of Chasing Forever
I laugh a little bitterly, and my mom bumps her shoulder against mine.
“I know I shouldn’t listen to her,” I say.
“You shouldn’t. But there’s hurt there, and it’s hard to overcome that. Especially with how young you were. Can I speak frankly, sweetie?”
“Don’t you always?”
She tilts her head. “Yeah, pretty much. I think you’re afraid of feeling unwanted again. Am I right?”
“Are you really comparing me to a weed?” Tears fill my eyes.
“A pretty one. A daisy.”
I shake my head, my face crumpling. “He wants a family, Mom.” Tears spill freely down my cheeks now.
She puts her hand on my back and rubs slow, steady circles. Not saying anything. Just letting me fall apart in the grass.
“I can’t give it to him. He’s not going to want me after he finds out. That future he’s built up of us in his mind is never going to happen.”
“So that’s it? You’re making the decision for him?”
I pluck out a weed and toss it on the pile. “What choice do I have? He’s made it clear he sees a family in his future.”
“Okay. So that’s that? You just live alone and don’t ever put yourself out there? Deny yourself the love you deserve?”
“Come on. I’m a weed. One of those horrible ones that squeezes out all the beauty.” I tug on one, but only the leaves give.
“I don’t think you’re that one. That one’s holding on with all its might. You’re more like this.” She plucks a daisy from the grass. “This one’s ready to be moved. To grow somewhere else.”
“Thanks for that.”
We sit in silence, the sun warming the back of my neck.
“You know,” she says after a beat, “I actually would like to thank Holden if I ever see him again.”
“What?” I blink, and my forehead wrinkles.
“He gave you a crash course in life when you were nineteen years old. He taught you that nothing comes easy, that people will disappoint you. He broke your trust and your belief in people. You built a damn fortress around your heart.”
“Why is that a good thing?”
She sways slightly. “Because only the strong ones will get in past your defenses. You’re not giving just anyone the ability to hurt you again. And someone did get in. Someone took down your wall, brick by brick. And now you’re trying to tell him he doesn’t belong there.”
“So, I’m a weed with a wall and Brooks bulldozed it?”
“He didn’t bulldoze it. He earned every brick he removed. That’s the only way you’d ever let him in.” She pats my leg. “You know who he is. But you also assume you know what he wants.”
“It’s easier this way.”
“You think if you don’t tell him, he can’t break your heart?”
“Yeah.”
“And yet you were crying in a hospital and for an hour drive home, and you didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. Sounds like you’ve got it all together.”
A bitter laugh slips out of me, understanding her point. “I get it, okay… I do.”
“That’s because you’re my smartest child. But don’t tell Bennett or Romy.” She laughs, and I laugh with her because we both know she says the same thing to them. “Family isn’t just blood. You know that. Brooks was family before you drunk-married him.”
