Page 84 of Chasing Forever
I leave the room, and Brooks follows me.
“A Sprite!” Poppy calls behind us.
He falls in line with me as we follow signs to the waiting room with the vending machine. His footsteps are faster than mine, as though he’s afraid if he lags even a second, I’ll vanish.
“So, how long did you date Tegan?” I try to keep my voice even, but I’m not successful.
“I’m not sure why you’re acting so jealous when you pretty much called it quits before the concert even started.”
I stop, whirl, and cross my arms. “What are you talking about?”
“That pitying look you gave me? You know, I get it. I threw my feelings out there fast, too fast, but damn it, Lottie, I thought you realized this thing between us is worth fighting for. I thought that’s why you’ve been so open with me these past weeks.”
I shake my head. “What are you talking about? I love that you told me how you feel. That you trusted me with that.”
“Then why are you dodging me? Canceling last night and making our third date into a group hang? No kissing. No touching. You’ll barely look at me. Then we come here, and you play jealous girlf—jealous whatever.” He steps closer, looking around before caging me against the wall. His voice drops, ragged and low. “Decide what you want because you say you don’t play games, but I feel like I’m trying to win fucking Risk right now.”
I push at his chest to give myself some space. “I want to get my purse.”
He steps back, and I walk through the waiting room and out the sliding doors into the dark parking lot. The buzz of hospital lights fades into the night air. The door closes behind us.
“What happened? You flipped the switch, Lottie.”
“Nothing,” I call over my shoulder.
“God damn it, Lottie.”
There’s so much pain in his voice I nearly crumple to the ground, but I tell myself this is for the best. I can’t give him the life he wants anyway.
“I’ve given you everything. I cracked my chest wide open for you, and you’re walking away like it meant nothing. I thought I could get through to you. I thought I could pull that girl you used to be back out of you.”
I whirl around. “That girl is dead! Don’t you realize that? The girl you knew before Holden, she’s long gone.” I shake my head and splay my arms wide. “I never will be her again. We can’t rewind time and act like what happened didn’t shape me into who I am now. We can’t go back. We can’t undo it. Everything broke, and I rebuilt myself with what was left. Maybe I just don’t know how to love you the way you need.”
He steps forward, but I put my hand up to stop him. His breath hitches. He swallows hard, as though it physically hurts him not to close the gap between us. “Please, I just want?—”
“To fix me.” I finish the sentence, and tears spill from my eyes. “Well, I’m not some rusted-out truck or the runt of the litter. And I’m sure as hell not a wounded bird you take home with you who will fly away the next day. I don’t want to be fixed.”
He tilts his head. I try to memorize the way the moonlight shines down on his brown hair.
His mouth opens as though he’s going to speak, but it closes again. He’s shaking his head, slowly, as if he’s refusing to believe what he’s hearing. “Wounded bird?”
“I’m begging you, Brooks, I can’t take this anymore. Just agree to an annulment already.”
His lips thin. “Was it her or him?” he asks through clenched teeth.
I shake my head. “How did we ever think this would work? You’re his brother. There’s too much history. Too much hurt to go around. I’m sorry.”
I wipe the tears from my cheeks because letting him go is tearing me apart. But staying means drowning in the doubt every single day.
“Lottie, I swear to God, tell me what happened.” His voice cracks. And that sound, more than anything else, nearly makes me fall apart.
He steps in front of me, bending to look into my eyes, but I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does. You’re letting other people ruin this. Ruin us.” He places his hands on my shoulders. “I love you. I can fix this.”
I open my eyes and lift my gaze to his. “That’s the problem. You can’t fix me. You’re in love with a version of me who doesn’t exist. I can’t give you the life you want.”
He stands in front of me, and I touch his chest. My hand rises and falls with his deep breaths.
