Page 15 of After the Rain
“You’re OK. Shhhh. Aidan. You’re OK.Breathe. Take a deep breath and hold it with me. Do you think you can do that?” His voice is soft and filled with compassion. I can’t believe that he’s taking care of me as I face down a panic attack after what I just did, but I’m sure as shit not going to push him away. I try my best to follow his instructions. He continues to talk me through breathing exercises that make it clear I’m not the first person with anxiety he’s helped through this sort of thing. “That’s good, Aidan. Slow your breathing. Deep breath in. Hold it. Breathe out. Hold it. And again. You’re OK, love. Shhhh.” As he speaks to me and talks me through my panic, his soft thumbs stroke my cheeks, grounding me in sensation that reaches into my chest and wraps around my heart. “You’re OK, love. You’re OK. I’m here. You’re OK, love.” He repeats these small comforts again and again as my breathing steadies, and my watery eyes finally overflow.
“I’m s-sorry,” I stutter, voice rough and raw with emotion. “I’m sorry I sc-scared you. I didn’t m-mean to scare you. I—”
“Shhhh, you didn’t scare me, love. Shhhh. It’s OK. You’re OK. I’m OK. I’m here.” I lift my hands and cover his on my face as my breathing returns to normal, and he leans in, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry I snuck out like that. I didn’t even think about how you might not realise where I was and that it might triggeryou. I’m sorry.” His voice is gentle, and as he wipes away my unbidden tears with his thumbs, I release his hands and do the same to him.
After a few minutes of just staring at each other and wiping each other’s faces, we both sniffle a laugh, and he wraps his lithe arms around my neck in a fierce hug.
“I’m so sorry I scared you, Rain. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was too much, too soon after, you know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
“Hey, it’s OK. I wanted you to kiss me. Trust me. I wasn’t upset that you kissed me. I was upset that you stopped. I got into my head thinking that you must have thought I was a slut or something. That voice in my head got pretty loud, and it sounded a lot like… Dan.” He spits the name out like it leaves a bad taste. “I loved that kiss.” He slowly releases his arms from my neck and presses a small kiss to my cheek as he moves around to face me again. “But that doesn’t mean it should have happened.” He looks down at his lap, which is currently straddling my legs, and shakes his head. “I… Y-you’re probably right that it was too much, too fast. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I won’t pretend I don’t desperately need this job that I haven’t even started yet.That’swhy it shouldn’t have happened, Aidan. No other reason.”
I swallow tightly, relief that I don’t have toexplain the real reason I pulled away from him lightening the weight in my stomach a little.
“The job is not conditional, Rain. You know that, yeah? I don’t expect anything from you in return for the job, and I never would even if we, you know…”
He huffs out a small laugh. “I know that. Really, I do. But I have so much baggage, and I think I need to get some therapy or something to help me process all that’s changed recently. But more than anything, I need this job so that for once in my damn life I can stand on my own two feet. So, I can’t go there with you. I’m sorry. I want to. Fuck knows I do. But I’m not ready to go there with anyone. I need to learn who I am on my own. And I need to get Dan’s fucking voice out of my head before I start to invite someone else in. Does that make sense?” He cups my face again, and I know that this simple touch is going to be something I crave from this day on.
Disappointment rolls through me, but weirdly, hope does too. He said he can’t be with me right now. It hurt at first to hear that, but after a second of sulking, I get it. He’s been through hell and has to heal and build an independent life. He said he needs to do that before he invites someone in. The hope that runs through me that one day he might invitemein will have to be enough to sustain me. I want him. I can’t deny that. The wayI panicked when I thought he had left or fallen in the river, the way I felt whole when I held him in my arms this morning, and the way I felt like I would melt into a puddle on the floor when we kissed all led me to one conclusion.
I want him.
And the way I would burn the world to the ground to protect him from that cunt he left behind, brings me to another conclusion.
I will be there to support him and protect him while he does what he needs to do. Even if he never invites me in, I know that there won’t be anyone else for me. He’s it. And even after less than a week, that thought doesn’t scare me like it should.
It settles me.
Eleven
Rain
Three Weeks Later
Ilove my job.
Wren came over to DB as planned a few weeks ago. She talked me through the systems, such as they were, and showed me everything I needed to know. Straight away, I had some ideas on how I could streamline the bookings and payments systems. My mum had a small online shop that I helped her manage, and updating the website for Dream Boats to allow for online payments and bookings was relatively similar. A few YouTube videos later, and the website is now a lot more professional with full photo galleries and video tours of each boat available to hire. I also added local information about what you can do and included recommendations from Aidan, Cole, Archer, andeven Nash and Wren on where to go, which are the best pubs and places to eat.
I’m not always sure how welcome my interrogations of them while they tried to work were, but we got there in the end. I also designed a menu of optional extras that can add an extra taste of luxury for guests who want it – a luxury hamper, champagne, chocolates on arrival and such – which Dream Boats has implemented. Thepièce de résistanceis a blog I started that follows the progress of all the ongoing projects the guys are working on. If that aspect of the website requires me to go into the workshop and take photographs of Aidan – and his brothers, of course, but mainly Aidan – as they work, then I see that as a positive side effect and nothing more.
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” I hear Mum say in my head.
“Yeah, yeah,” I reply.I’ve been talking to Mum in my head – sometimes, out loud – a lot more since I left London. Maybe not being around someone so volatile has me feeling safer to process in my own way. I’m not sure I ever really processed her death, if I’m honest. But it’s nice to hear her voice in my head again. And when it’s not her voice, it’s one that sounds more and more like me.
That’s one positive – one of many, really – from the last few weeks; that the voice in my headis my own, and not Dan’s. The counselling has helped. Nash was able to put me in touch with a friend of his, a psychotherapist in Norwich, who has been speaking to me online via video call a few times a week. Aidan bought a new laptop for the Dream Boats office and assured me it was fine to use for anything I needed, especially my therapy. It’s only been three weeks, but after eight sessions so far, I’ve been able to identify a lot of ways to process my feelings about recent events, to start to accept things, and to forgive myself for the position I found myself in with Dan. I’m feeling stronger and so much more settled in my own skin, and I know now that the relationship went where it did because of who Dan is, and not who I am. It’s easier to see that the gaslighting and abuse I suffered were a reflection of him, and not me. I know I’m not miraculously ‘cured’ – I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same person I was before I met Dan – and that’s what I’m working on accepting, but I feel happy and more like myself than I have in years. And I’m confident that putting that proverbial pin in the map and landing on Fenside Common was, quite possibly, the best thing I could have ever done.
And so here I am, settled in my seat behind the desk in the DB office, a steaming cup of coffee beside me, and a blanket over my legs. A blanket that Aidan left draped over my seat witha Post-it pinned to it telling me he wanted me to be comfortable while working, as he knows the office building is chilly. My heart swoops at just the thought of all the caring little things he does for me, even though I don’t see him an awful lot outside of work. Aside from the blanket, he also bought me some hand warmers and some fluffy socks to wear in the office when he saw how cold it could get. Only a few days after that, I came in one morning to find the office toasty warm with a small heater in the corner that Aidan had switched on super early when he let Pax out, so it was all warm and cosy in time for me to start work. He brings me sandwiches for lunch every day. Sandwiches from Poppy’s, not that he’s made himself as, in his own words, he can’t even get a cheese and pickle sarnie right.
The man is a dream. And I know that trying to convince myself I haven’t fallen in love with him in a month – or even in that first week if I’m honest with myself – is pointless. Aidan is the full package, and any man would be lucky to have him. I can only hope that one day, that man might be me. Sometimes, the sideways glances and soft looks we share make me think it’s possible. If I could be that lucky, if I could somehow be brave enough to revisit that kiss we shared, and tell him that I feel so much more ready to explore what we could become than I did just a few weeks ago. Buttoday is not that day.
To be honest, I’m not even sure when I would have the chance to speak to him. After work each day, Aidan comes into the house and eats the dinners I’ve been making, but then he disappears outside again. I’ve seen the light on in the empty work shed, so I can only imagine he’s fitting it out for some use or other, but I usually head up to bed with a book and a cup of Horlicks – it’s not just for old people, try it and tell me it doesn’t taste the middle of a Malteser – before he’s come back inside. And then in the morning, his breakfast dishes are in the sink when I get downstairs, along with a bowl of porridge on the counter ready for me to heat up most days.
I shake my head and snap my thoughts away from trying to figure out what to do about Aidan and finish up finalising the latest booking we had for a couple on a honeymoon. They emailed to ask about prices and had chosen the cheapest dates and the shortest break we do, so I’m assuming maybe budget is tight for them. A thought pops into my head, and I’m straight up on my feet, draping my blanket back over my seat and heading over to the workshop. The heavy sliding door is open a few feet, and I can hear the tinny voices on the radio that’s always on, and the buzzing and banging sounds that are always prevalent as the guys continue in their work.
Cole pokes his head out from the cabin of a boat that’s standing about five feet off the ground and smiles down at me as I pass.
“Hi, Rain!” He grins around his enthusiastic greeting. Cole is always so sunshiny and welcoming. “How’s your day?” He begins dragging himself up and out of the cabin before jumping down to the ground in front of me.
I grin back at him. “It’s good, thanks. You look busy,” I say, inclining my head towards the boat he just exited.
