Page 73 of Strong Side
When she asked me to stand up and look at the difference, I broke down and cried. Then she made me write inside my body outline what my favorite qualities about myself were. I’m not sure which was harder—the outline or finding qualities I actually believe to be true about myself.
It’s an exercise I don’t necessarily want to repeat, I gotta say. And I know it was supposed to help me, but it also made me feel ashamed of myself in a way. I think because it made me feel weak. I’m sure we’ll work it out more in my next session.
Anyway, I miss you more than you can imagine.
Love always,
Noelle
We did discuss it more in detail in that session after, which led to the next exercise.
Casey,
Today made me think of you so much that it hurt. We did more body image work, and it reminded me so much of the night when you made me look in the mirror and you asked me what I saw.
Well, today, I had to take a marker and write positive words on each body part I criticized. She’d had me come in the session in my bikini, so I could stand in the mirror and look at my body fully. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience. And I’ll tell you a secret … the first few things I wrote, I stole from you. Because it’s hard to see myself the way you see me. So, I guess a little “fake it till you make it” won’t hurt, right?
She wants me to keep working on this, minus the markers. Every day, I need to look in the mirror and say at least one positive thing about myself and my body.
I miss you, and I love you. So very much.
Noelle
I think this will be an ongoing process for me. At least for a while.
I need to retrain my brain, my therapist says. And I want to. I want to be a healthy person. But I also want to be a good partner to Casey. I need to be able to lift him up when he needs me. He can’t always be the one taking care of me.
So, for now, I’ll miss him while I work on myself. I know it’s hard for him, too, but in the end, it will make us stronger as a couple.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-EIGHT
CASEY
During our time apart,Noelle has texted me from time to time, but it’s usually very simple, basic check-ins. She doesn’t tell me much, and when I reply, she doesn’t answer. It’s been … hard.
`The only thing that’s making it somewhat bearable is that Chelsea texts me occasionally with updates on how Noelle is doing. I don’t know if it’s Noelle’s idea or if Chelsea understands how hard this is on us both.
I’m in Texas this weekend with my friends for Archie and Emma’s wedding. Noelle should be here with me, but the last time I texted her about it, she didn’t reply. I’m just disappointed she’s not here.
Trying to be happy and put on a brave face hasn’t been the easiest. And it’s not because I’m not happy for them—because I truly am. I just want my girl with me. I want to be celebrating friends with the woman I love next to me.
The ceremony is over, and we’re all in the tent they have set up on Archie’s family’s ranch. It’s beautiful here. Rolling hills, twinkling lights everywhere. Noelle would love it.
Couples are dancing on the dance floor, and it makes me miss her so much that it hurts. I pull out my phone and text her just that. I watch my phone, like a boy obsessed, waiting to see if she reads it. She does, but doesn’t reply.
I take a long drink of my beer and set the bottle on the table.
Archie’s brother Aiden walks by and slaps me on the back. “You good, King?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Just getting tired. Been a long day.” I huff a laugh.
“You ain’t kidding. I’m beat. It was a good day though. They’re happy.” He stands next to my chair and folds his arms into his chest, smiling at his brother and Emma dancing.
“That they are.” I smile and nod.
“I’m gonna grab another beer. You want one?” He points to my half-empty bottle.
