Page 60 of Liar's Heart
Dawn is where night and day can be together, even if it’s not for long enough.
It’s amazing that the sun always rises. Even if you can’t see it or feel it. Even if it feels impossible that time keepsmoving forward when the night feels so fucking long. Eventually, night and day will meet again.
I grab my husband’s arms wrapped around my stomach, holding on so tightly I’m sure my knuckles are white, and whisper to the sky through hitched sobs. “We did it. We fucking did it, Ox. He’s dead. We get to do all the things you dreamed of now, all the things you should be here for, but…” I swallow, struggling to get the words out, but I have to. Ihaveto. “Ender did everything you asked of him, but I think you knew he would. And I love him, Ox. So fucking much. If it couldn't be you, then I’m so fucking grateful you made sure it was him. I love you, Apollo. Thank you.”
Through bleary, waterlogged eyes, I watch the horizon with both of the men I love, my past and future meeting like the transient sky above. Night inches back faster and faster, and I turn in my husband’s arms. I thumb the tears cutting through the blood smeared on his cheeks and look into his silver eyes, glowing warm with hope. And, as the daylight finishes overtaking the night sky, I kiss the man I choose as my future. Today, the sun didn’t just rise on a new day. It rose on a whole new life.
As quietly as I can,I turn the lock on the balcony door. The deadbolt has always been a touch sticky and tends to be loud when it finally gives way, and I don't want to wake Ender.
Not that he won't know where to find me. One of the reasons we made this trip back to Reddington was so I could do this. It's just early, and I want him to get as much rest as possible.
And, selfishly, I want to be alone for this part.
The lock finally gives, the snap of metal reluctantly sliding into place so fucking loud in the predawn stillness. I freeze and listen, then turn to look. Ender's sprawled out on his stomach in the bed, his back still rising and falling rhythmically with sleep. Good. Easing the door open, I carefully slip outside, closing it behind me before making my way to my favorite seat.
It’s warmer here than it is back in Fallenford, but the early spring nights are still chilly enough that I wrapped a blanket around me like a cloak before coming out here, and my bare feet are happy to be off the cold floor and tucked up into the warm quilt. The sky’s just now starting tolighten into blues and purples, daybreak imminent but not here yet, so I settle in and wait.
The last month and a half has been a whirlwind. Len and I have been trying to figure out how to shift our work structure around with Lockwood’s now that my move to Fallenford is officially permanent. My new responsibilities as Charon make it virtually impossible to handle my already reduced workload. Len and I are discussing some options, but it looks like our best choices are either for me to become a silent partner or for Len and our main office to relocate to Fallenford. Since Len bears the greater burden with either of those choices, she gets the final say on which route we take, but I'm really trying to wear her down on joining me. I miss my best friend, and this whole seeing each other every month or so for a few days while also juggling our business situation isn't enough for me.
Besides, I don't think I'm the only one in Fallenford who misses her.
Roman has taken the lead on handling Alec’s physical estate, which has been a massive undertaking. The house itself is a labyrinth of secret rooms and hidden caches, some even Ender didn’t know about. If there was a method to the man’s madness, we have yet to see it because none of the files Roman’s found seem to follow any sort of pattern. Most days end with the three of us sitting on the floor in the study, spreading out papers and hoping to connect whatever dots we can. Mostly, I’m just grateful my husband has a friend who cares about him enough to help so he doesn’t have to relive all his childhood trauma while cleaning out the house of horrors we just inherited.
On top of that, Ender and I have had our hands full dealing with the aftermath of my Ascension. We anticipated mixed reactions to Ender declining his birthright and planned for the worst. Elliott assured us that the Council would almost unanimously support our decision and that most others would follow their lead, but my biggest concern washow the Ferrymen would receive the transition. Ender and I have spent countless hours tracking down every single Ferryman to see where we stand with them. Most have been receptive to me, if a little hesitant. A few voiced concern over my lack of experience in their line of work, but that was easily dealt with. Ender made sure part of Alec's torture session was recorded, and something about seeing their new boss removing their old boss’s eyelids with a scalpel went really far in reassuring them I was capable.
We still have so far to go, but the future is already brighter than it’s ever been.
Roman found not only Ox’s heart but my parents’ too. Yesterday, we interred their hearts with their bodies. It was a bittersweet moment, being able to finally fulfill the promise I made.
And now that the first few streaks of sunlight are breaking the horizon, I have another promise to keep.
I look over the envelope I brought with me one last time, the one with my name on the front in old, familiar handwriting. The one my husband kept safe for me for so long. Drinking in the view of night and day dancing together across the sky, I smile to myself. They might never get enough time, but they always know how to make the most of those fleeting moments together. With that thought in mind, I break the seal on the envelope, take out the folded pieces of paper inside, and read my first love’s final words for me.
Merrick,
First and foremost, I am so fucking sorry. If there was any other way to keep you safe, then please know I would have taken it. I love you more than anything, more than everything, even my own life. Which is why I have no regrets about my fate, otherthan that I have to leave you. I really don’t want to leave you, Nyx.
Do you remember the first time we made love? It was early summer, right after we graduated from high school. Both virgins. You said you hadn’t yet because you don’t let people in easily and were waiting for someone you could trust. I made up some bullshit excuse that it just hadn’t felt right to me yet, but that wasn’t entirely true. No one else was ever going to feel right when I’d been in love with you for years. First as friends, but then as more. I was scared to tell you then, scared the intensity of my feelings would chase you away, but I should have said it that night.
You were so beautiful. I was awkward and fumbling, so fucking nervous. But you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. And you were laid out naked beneath me like I was worthy of such a thing. I’ve never forgotten the look on your face, the way my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I slid into you for the first time. I could see it in your eyes. You felt it too. Our whole fucking world realigning. I think that was the exact moment we could never come back from, when you and I became us.
That night is one of my most sacred memories, one I’ve revisited often in the years since. So many of the best moments of my life are with you. I’ve never known a life in which I wasn’t madly in love with you, Merrick. And I’m so gratefulto know the warmth of your love. Thank you. For loving me. For letting me love you.
Between the two of us, I have the far easier role. All I have to do is die, but Merrick, you have to live. And I mean live. You are the love of my life, but I pray that I’m not yours. I want you to fall in love and have babies, to chase your dreams with the people in your life you love and who love you back just as hard. I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way, right next to you, just like I always have been.
There are certain arrangements that Ender and I had to make, ones I’ll let him explain to you. It might not sound like it at first, but they’re the best way forward. Ender will keep you safe. If I can’t be there to take care of you, then he’s the only other person I trust to do so. I think you’d really like him if you gave him a chance, Mer. And he deserves one. Please take care of each other. And live. Until the next dawn, Nyx.
With all of my love,
Ox
The tears continue to fall as I read the letter over and over again, tucking the words into my heart for safekeeping. By the time I hear the door behind me open and close, I’ve calmed down to sniffling while the sun finishes rising. Ender moves on quiet feet, not stopping until he's bent over the back of my loveseat with his arms wrapped around my shoulders. He nuzzles into my neck, breathing me in before he says, “Good morning.”
Smiling, I thread a hand through his tousled hair, holdinghim close to me. “Morning.”
Lips press into my neck before pulling back. “You read it?” he asks, trying to gauge where I’m at in my plans.
“Yeah,” I confirm.
