Page 46 of Liar's Heart
My head tilts, taking her in. “Do they really bother you? You haven’t said shit about it until now, but if they do…”
She holds a hand up to pause my line of questioning. “They don’t. Not really. Not like you think, at least.” Her gaze wanders off to some unknown focal point while she considers her explanation. “I believe you. I trust you. If you say shit’s changed, then I’m good. And after tonight, I’ll probably be even better. I just need to get my head in the game before I walk in there, you know? It’s not easy trying to retrain the knee-jerk response I’ve had for years. It’s weird to not hate them all of a sudden.”
I nod along because itisweird, and Idoknow, but I hold my tongue. There’s not much else I can tell her at this point that wouldn’t benefit considerably from being able to show her proof, and that’s already planned for tonight. Plus, Ender and Roman deserve to be able to tell their stories in their own words. “I know. Love you. Have fun on your ride.”
Len stands up and gives me a quick hug as I head for the door. “Love you too. See you there.”
An hour later, my feet are in stirrups while I listen to the delightful sound of Dr. Warren snapping on a fresh pair of gloves. Small talk exhausted, we’re now down to business and asking me to scoot my ass off the end of the table. Again.I’ve been a patient of Dr. Warren’s for years now, and I like her a lot. She’s got the kind of bedside manner that makes her easy to talk to while also still exuding confident authority. Which is great, considering she’s coming at me with a speculum.
She’s doing her best to make an awkward situation easier, chattering on about the latest TV show she’s hooked on to give me anything else to focus on besides the unforgiving plastic cranking my vagina open. And then suddenly, she’s not. Her whole demeanor changes, though she’s trying to keep her tone light. “Earlier, when we were going over birth control, you said you have an IUD?”
I try to match her tone, keeping my voice light and not panicking yet because she could be asking for any number of reasons and not because something’s wrong. “Uh, yeah. I’ve had it for a little over two years now. Why?”
She disengages and removes the speculum, then slides back on her stool while removing her gloves. “I should be able to see and feel the strings on it that extend past your cervix, but I can’t locate them,” she says. “Sometimes they like to wiggle their way up into the cervix or uterus, and everything’s fine, but it can be a sign that the IUD isn’t correctly positioned anymore or has even perforated through your uterus. Have you had any abdominal pain or discomfort, any irregular bleeding?”
I shake my head while I think back over the last year or so. “No.”
“I’d like to do an ultrasound to double-check placement. It’d be transvaginal, but I can do it now. I just need to go grab the cart if you’re agreeable?”
God, as if going to the gynecologist couldn’t have gotten any worse. Except I’m highly concerned about where my little friend scampered off to, so I quickly consent to the procedure even though I’m not happy to be medically fisted by an ultrasound wand.
While Dr. Warren goes to retrieve the ultrasound cart, I shoot off a quick text to Ender, letting him know I’m running a little late and will be there as soon as I can. Before I get a response from him, she’s back. She finishes setting up, and before I know it, the ultrasound is awkwardly underway. She’s uncharacteristically quiet while she studies the screen, and I’m praying it’s a result of her needing to concentrate and not because I’m about to be told I need emergency surgery to retrieve my wandering IUD.
Dr. Warren is still quiet as she cleans up from the ultrasound and tells me I can sit up for a moment. I do so and watch her, unable to ignore the tension in her shoulders that wasn't there at the beginning of this appointment. When she finishes, she rolls over, resuming her position in front of me. Her face is the most severe I’ve ever seen as she says, “I can’t locate your IUD.”
I blink a few times, like it’s going to help me process the words she just said faster. “So I need surgery?” I ask. “To retrieve it?”
She shakes her head. “If it had perforated, you probably would have known exactly when it happened because you would have felt it, but I also would still be able to see it via ultrasound, just not where it’s supposed to be. No, I can’t locate an IUD inside of you at all. In rare cases, they can fall out on their own. You likely would have known because you would have felt it coming out or seen it. I’m pretty sure you would have mentioned if you had though.” She licks her lips contemplatively and continues. “You said that you weren’t interested in trying to conceive anytime soon?”
That makes my panic spike like ice cutting through my chest. “That’s correct.”
“And your period stopped on the IUD?”
I swallow. “Yes.”
Her face is locked down in a professional stonewall. “You’ve not had any spotting or bleeding recently?”
“No. I… Should I have?”
“Not necessarily,” she says. “It can take a while for your period to return after removal. Usually, fertility is restored after about six months, so if it was recently removed, that could account for that.” She shifts forward and covers my hand with her own. “I didn’t see any evidence of pregnancy on the ultrasound, but since we don’t know when you ovulated last, I’d like to do a pregnancy test just as a precaution. Then we can discuss next steps, okay?”
All I can do is nod. The ice that cut through me earlier has settled all over. Nothing feels quite like it’s happening tomeright now, like I’m watching it happen to someone else. I could be pregnant. Right now. With my husband’s child. The man I only granted clemency to a week ago.
Wait… a week ago. We’ve only been having sex for a week. You can only get pregnant when you’re ovulating, right? And that’s only for a few days each month. Those are pretty good odds in my favor. She said she didn’t see anything that looked like I could be pregnant. But at this stage, would she?
I’m going to be sick.
The numbness doesn’t let up as Dr. Warren draws my blood. What am I supposed to do? What do Iwantto do? We haven’t even talked about having kids. What if I’m pregnant, and Ender doesn’t even want children? Except… who else would’ve had access to my body to remove the IUD in the first place?
No one. No one but my husband.
The door opens, and Dr. Warren walks back in, laptop in hand. Shit. When did she leave? “Pregnancy test is negative.” I deflate with relief. “So let's talk options. Do you want another IUD?”
I pause for a moment and think. If Ender was able to yank the last one out without me noticing, then what’s to stop it from happening again? Pills are out for obvious reasons. Theshot only lasts for three months, so I’d likely have to find someone to go to back in Fallenford, which means Ender could arrange for that to be compromised too. “What about the implant?” It’s the only thing I can think of that I’d for sure notice if it was removed, and if I get it done today, he couldn’t have had a chance to fuck with it.
Dr. Warren nods, considering. “You’d be a good candidate. We can take care of that now if you’d like?”
I agree, and she goes through everything with me before leaving to get what she needs for the procedure. I check my phone and see that Ender replied earlier while I was waiting for test results I never should have needed.
