Page 8 of Lies in Promises
I wish to never attend another funeral, that Henry and Robert never leave me, because I never want to do this ever again.
I don’t want to lose anybody I love ever again.
Even if I do believe in ghosts.
CHAPTER 4
ROBERT
Ithought it would get easier.
I thought when the funeral was over and done with, I would have a better sense of what to do, that I would be able to figure out how to give Bennett the best life possible without Henry’s help, no matter how much I wanted him to stay as our caregiver. I thought I would be able to get over the sadness, the numbness, and anger rolling through me, and move through life as normally as possible. Parents die every day, and people are able to just go on with the life they were living before the catastrophic event. They might be suffering in silence, but they are able to move on.
It’s been a month since my parents died and three weeks since their funeral, and I can’t seem to do that. I can’t seem to get rid of the anger or the sadness. I’m not able to move on and live life like everyone else. All I want to do is bask in the anger and sadness until it takes over, and all I feel is numb again.
Feeling numb would be better than this—whatever this is.
I think about the other two people who have also been affected by my parents’ death.
Bennett is back in school, and Henry is keeping everything in check. Not only that, but the man is putting in time at Lane Enterprises, the company my grandfather built and my father maintained, all to make sure whoever takes over does it right.
Both of them are living life as normally as they possibly can—having meals together, playing games to pass the time, all while I haven’t even been able to leave my bedroom, other than to grab something to eat. I haven’t been able to do anything besides sit by my window and look out to the expanded property that this massive house, now almost empty, sits on.
Before, I would have said the property was beautiful. There was green everywhere, with trees to hide behind and grass you would never finish exploring. Now, when I look out at the property, at this house, it’s the ugliest thing I have ever seen. It deserves to be burned to the ground, because this house will never be more than a cold building now that our parents are gone. It will never be more than just a bunch of distant memories that will never see the light of day. It will never again be a home.
I’m half-tempted to tell Henry to sell it, but I know he never will, especially since the place now belongs to both me and my brother. Selling it has to be a decision we make together when we are older, not when one of us is eight and we are very much still dealing with the fact that we are now orphans.
Besides, even though he’s young, I know Bennett would never want to leave this place. This is where all his memories are. He’s young, but he knows if he lives anywhere else, he will forget about our parents and never think about them again.
Maybe forgetting is better than constant reminders of something you will never have or experience again.
My brother wants to remember—I can tell by the way I hear him talk sometimes, but I don’t. I want to forget. I want to forget it all.
I want to forget about the anger, about the sadness, about every little thing that comes with it. Partly, I want to forget about my parents altogether. I want to forget who they were. I want to forget about their death. I want to forget what they meant to me. I want to forget about everything that has to do with them.
If they hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. If they were still here, I wouldn’t have anger boiling deep inside me. Even though I know this isn’t true, my head keeps telling me it’s their fault I feel this way, and all I want to do is make it go away.
As I look out the window and the sun shines in the sky, I start thinking that maybe I should take myself away from this whole equation.
Maybe if I wasn’t in this house anymore, drowning in anger, remembering my parents every time I look at the little things around the room, maybe it will go away. Maybe then, I will be able to move on and live life as normally as I possibly can.
I can go somewhere far away and never think about what losing my parents has done to me, how it’s changed me.
But if I do leave, where would I go? Do I beg Henry to move me and my brother somewhere where we aren’t constantly reminded of our past?
The only thing with that is, if I leave with Bennett and Henry at my side, I will still be constantly reminded of the things I no longer have. I will never be able to escape all the anger and sadness.
I love Bennett, I do, with everything I have, but I don’t know if I can look at my brother every day while I’m feeling like this. He’s the perfect combination of the two of them, and looking at him is just going to bring everything back to the surface.
I can go without them. I can walk out of this house and leave my only family behind. It will only be for a little bit, just until I can get over all I’m feeling, until I’m able to push the blame aside and live a normal life. I can go and come back to be the best brother and guardian my brother deserves.
He deserves me at my best, and right now, who I am is not that.
The more I think about it, the more the urge to pack and leave right this moment gets planted in my head.
I can put all of this behind me.
A small laugh sounds from somewhere in the house, and it takes me away from my thoughts.
