Page 66 of Passing the Red Line
For years, I had hoped that I would hear all of these words come out of my dad’s mouth. I wanted to hear them so damn badly, but as the time went on, I never heard them so eventually I gave up on him ever admitting that his actions back then were wrong.
I even thought that there was going to be a chance that I would have to drag the apology out of him.
Yet here he is giving me what I silently asked for all of these years. He’s apologizing and I’m too stunned to speak.
I take a minute to collect myself, wiping away at my face to get rid of the tears.
I clear my throat before I try to speak. “What brought this on?” After all these years, why now and why not back then?
There are so many questions I want to ask him but I don’t know if I can.
My dad clears his throat as if his apology made him emotional too.
“I don’t know if you remember this, you were young and I wasn’t around a while when you were older, so she might have talked to you about this, I’m not sure, but your mom always talked about dreams and how they all have double meaning?” He says forming a question at the end.
My head starts to nod as if it was an automatic action. “I remember,” I whisper into the phone.
My mom was big on dreams. She always said that your dreams are trying to tell you something or possibly a path that can be used as a way for someone that has passed to communicate with you.
“A few weeks ago, I had a dream, one where your mom was there. It had been a while since I dreamt about her. Usually, dreams with her in them have always felt as if they were distant memories that my mind didn’t want me to forget. This dream, though, felt as if it wasn't a memory but very much real. As if she was in the same room as me and was speaking to me as clearly if she was still here. As if she were right next to me.” My dad chokes up at the end.
It makes me choke up too, but I try to keep my emotions in check as best I can. I can’t start losing it right now.
“What did she say?” I ask, closing my eyes and trying to picture my mom in any way that I can.
“That I’ve already lost you once, and that I should repair our relationship before I lose you again.”
Even more questions start to swing through my head. My dad was never one to believe my mom and all her dream talk and theories. Why is it that he’s doing it now?
“When I woke up, I realized that she was right. I need to repair what is going on between us or if I don’t, I’ll miss every other future chance of being in your life and being the father that you deserve. So I decided to start by apologizing for one of my worst mistakes. One that affected you deeply.”
For the second time this phone call, I’m left surprised and speechless.
What should I do? What should I say?
I’ve wanted this for so long, yet I never came up with a plan as to what I would say or do if it ever happened.
I decide to give him the truth.
“I don’t know what to say dad.” I try to push my emotions down fully but I fail.
“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to accept my apology right now or ever, if that’s what you want. I hurt you too much for you to forgive me after one apology. I owe you more than that. You deserve a lot more than what I have given you and if you let me, I want to try my hardest to repair it.”
More tears escape my eyes and I don’t know if they are from anger that it took him this long to get to this point, or tears of happiness because there is a chance I can get back the father that I lost a long time ago.
“I want to try too,” I say, my voice so small that it makes me feel as if I were a little girl again.
My dad sniffles a bit on the other end before he speaks. “Maybe we can both start trying when you come and stay with me? We can have dinner together a few times a week and talk. I would really love to get to know my daughter a lot better and make sure I find ways to better be there for her in the future.”
I smile.
That is something I wanted for a very long time, but I think we both are just so stubborn that we needed an outside source to intervene and help us take our heads out of our asses.
Gracias, mami.
As I stand there silently thanking my mom, what my dad just said, click in my head.
Crap. As much as I want to give my dad what he is asking for, it’s going to be a little hard to do given that I won’t be staying with him anymore.
