Page 59 of Skating the Blue Line
When she told me she was pregnant I tried to hold back all the emotions that came rushing with it. I wanted to be excited, but at the same time I knew I couldn't. Especially if I wanted to stand by her with whatever decision she made. Keeping the baby or not, it was her choice to make, not mine, even if she did include me in it.
I told myself that I would be ok with whatever decision she made and that was the truth, even though a small part of me did hope that she kept the baby. It was a very small part, but I have to admit that it was there.
Now that I know what she is doing, my body wants to jump up in excitement in a way that I didn’t expect.
While I’m trying to digest everything, Chloe takes my silence as something negative.
“It’s okay if you don’t like my decision,” She starts, her voice shaking all the while more tears escape from her hazel eyes. “It's also okay if you do not want to be involved either. I know I sprung this on you and it was a lot all at once. We don’t know each other. We’re not together and you sure as hell don’t owe me anything. So if you do not want to be involved, that’s okay. Just tell me so I can mentally prepare myself for it. I would love for you to be a dad to our child, but if you don’t want to, I’m not going to force you.”
She’s giving me an out.
She’s letting me know that she doesn’t need me and that she could do this on her own.
She probably thought that I wanted her to go in the opposite direction.
Not giving a shit anymore about not touching her, I break the distance between us and take her hand in mine.
“I’m just trying to digest everything.” I say explaining my silence. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze before I continue. “I told you that I will be there for you with whatever choices you make. Yes, we don’t know each other. Yes, this was all so sudden but just because it did, doesn’t mean that I won’t be there for you. Or that I wouldn’t want to be a part of my child’s life. I do. I wanna be a part of every single moment. If that’s okay with you. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just have to wrap my head around it. I’m actually going to be a dad and that feels weird saying out loud.”
Saying it out loud feels more than weird, but I’m sure with time, I’ll get used to it
I’m going to have a fucking kid.
“Yeah, it felt weird for me too,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze back.
Against my better judgment, I wrap my free arm around her shoulders and bring her closer to my body.
Chloe doesn’t push me away, she follows the motions and places her head against my chest, taking in my comfort.
“I have something else that I want to talk to you about,” she says, her voice just above a whisper.
“Okay, and what’s that?” I ask, looking down at her but not letting her but any space between us.
“Us being romantically involved,” she says, pushing herself away from me just a bit to look at my face.
Not a topic I was expecting her to talk about.
Have I thought about me and Chloe being together? Sure. Up until last week it was all I could think about.
Now though, jumping into a relationship doesn’t seem right. Especially if we’re only doing it because she’s pregnant.
I want to be with this woman, but I want to be with her when the time is right, not when we are forcing it.
But maybe Chloe does want to force it and see what happens.
“Do you want to be romantically involved?” I ask, feeling my eyebrows rise.
She shakes her head. “I was going to tell you last week that we should pause whatever was happening between us until the new year. That I wanted to concentrate on dance for the time being. Then this happened, and it cemented that thought process. There are other things we have to concentrate on.”
I guess that’s confirmation that I was getting friend zone.
But I’m one hundred percent on board with it now, even if I wasn’t last week.
“I agree. There are things right now that need our attention and a relationship isn’t one of them.” I want to add at least not right now to the end but I keep those words on the tip of my tongue.
“So you’re okay with us not jumping into a relationship together?” She asks, like it’s hard to believe.
I give her a nod. “Yeah, I’m okay with it.”
