Page 45 of Skating the Blue Line
“I know, and I love you because of it. I’m just really freaking out right now and my mind is running a thousand miles an hour.” Tears start to form in my eyes and even though I try so hard to keep things at bay, I fail and a sob escapes me in the middle of a hockey game.
Fingers crossed that now TV cameras are pointing in my direction because I sure as hell don’t need my breakdown to be all over the place.
Betty abandons her hotdog and wraps her arms around me, pulling me in closer and comforting me.
“Everything is going to be okay,” she says into my hair.
“What if it isn’t?” I hiccup back to her.
“It will be,” she reassures me.
“What if I make the wrong decision and then later regret it?” I ask her the one question that has been plaguing me all day.
I want to dance. I want to be the best damn dancer that the company has ever seen, but I also want to be a mom. I wanted to do both, but I wasn’t expecting to have to choose one or the other.
What happens if I make a decision and later down the line not only regret it but also resent it? What happens then?
Would I hate myself?
Betty?
What about Liam? Will I hate him too?
Or will he walk away and want nothing to do with any of it and leave all the heavy decision making to me?
So many damn questions.
“That won’t happen. I won’t let that happen. You will make the decisions that’s best for you right now and there will be no regrets about it. I promise.”
I let out another sob but it’s drowned out by the siren going off singling that a goal was made.
Lifting my head just enough off Betty’s shoulder, I watch the replay on the jumbotron and see that it was Liam who scored.
My eyes shift to where he is on the ice and the urge to puke comes back stronger than ever.
This pregnancy isn’t only going to affect my life, but it will also affect Liam’s.
If I decide to keep the baby, what is his life going to look like? Will it look the same or will it make it complete one-eighty?
I don’t know but I think that’s what terrifies me the most.
* * *
Liam was good with his word when he said that someone was going to come get me after the game.
Almost as soon as the last player left the ice, a security guard came to where Betty and I were sitting and offered to escort us back.
As much as she wanted to join me, Betty decided to head home. She said something about not wanting to impose in my conversation with Liam and called an Uber.
A part of me wishes that she would have stayed but a bigger part knows that if Betty were here, I would chicken out and not say anything to Liam. I would hold in the words and continue to pretend like absolutely nothing is wrong.
Right now, though, as I wait in a sea of wives, girlfriends, parents, children, and fans, I’m at the wishing stage of wanting Betty here.
I have to be a big girl and do this, even if I do want to puke.
Players start coming out and walking over to their loved ones. The whole time, I try to make myself appear small and hide within the crowd as best as I can.
Eventually, I come out of hiding when there are only a few people left waiting for their players.
