Page 158 of Girls Will Be Girls
She turns. “Yes?”
“Why do you never want us home for the holidays?” I say, trying to keep my voice from breaking.
She inhales deeply. “I do.” She smiles sadly. “I just know you are both too nice to say you don’t want to come.”
I suppress a blubber. “Can I come this year?” My voice whimpers.
She smiles. “That would make me really happy.”
“Okay,” I whisper, pushing the new tears away as long as I can. “See you tomorrow, Mom.”
“See you tomorrow.” She smiles.
I watch her walk off, and as soon as she’s out of sight, I collapse into the ugliest sob I can muster. I fall to the ground and lean on the stairs, letting my body fall under every emotion.
They start off sad, like I’m processing all of this time I lost with my mom, all the anger I’ve felt, the guilt, the sadness.
I’ve always known my dad would never choose me, but I think I’ve been wrong about my mom.
She will choose me.
She has.
We’ve never been honest with each other. Not once. But now it feels like we can start to be.
My tears start to turn from sad to hopeful.
To happy.
I’m crying happy tears. For finally being free of the guilt, the fear of not being accepted, of not being liked. For my mom and me. For the life I chose. The life that makes me happy.
I’m so happy.
I feel an arm come round me. The feel of him unmistakeable. The smell of him comforting.
“Hey, hey, hey.” I hear his voice vibrate against me. “It’s okay, baby girl. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He kisses my hair as the tears keep streaming. “I fucked up. Please let me fix it. Give me another chance, and I’ll make sure you never feel like this again. I’ll fix it.”
My happiness explodes inside of me. My sobs turn into the most hysterical giggling fit. It’s almost inappropriate, but I can’t stop. Tears still stream as I shake with joy.
“I- I can’t.” I stutter.
I try to compose myself, but I’ve lost it. I pull away from his arms as they go slack around me. I wipe at my eyes and look up at him.
“I can’t breathe.” I cackle.
He looks at me with so much confusion all over his face, and for some reason, it sends me further down the rabbit hole.
“Are- are you laughing?” He asks. “Is this a laugh?” His grin spreads across his face slowly, creeping up like he can’t help it.
I continue laughing. “I’m so happy.”
The tears fall and he wipes at them, holding my face in his hands.
“You’re laughing.” He grins.
I nod, trying to calm myself, but my smile is stuck. This must be what Lou feels like all the time.
“I thought you were breaking up with me,” Lou says.
