Page 141 of Girls Will Be Girls
“It would be different if you were atThe Post, or somewhere similar like Lou, you could just nanny, but I’m sure you’d rather be a full-time mother than write at your magazine.”
“I’m umm… I’m not sure we’re really there yet.” I try to keep my voice from jumping up seventeen octaves at how uncomfortable this conversation is making me. How small it’s making me feel.
“Well, you’re not getting any younger, sweetie.” She cocks her head. “You need to think of these things. Lou is completely ready for a family, so I would assume you would be too.”
“I-”
“I would expect you to stop working after the wedding, wouldn’t you? Focus on a family.” She says. “Which, speaking of the wedding, we should start on the guest list sooner rather than later. It’s hard enough to get this many people in the same room together, so getting five hundred means we’ll need to send out save the dates A. S. A. P.” She punctuates each letter, emphasizing the point.
“Five hundred?” I say in such quiet horror, I’m surprised she hears me.
“At least. We’ll need to be selective.” She says distracted, taking a sip of her drink while silently mouthing hellos to people around her.
I feel an arm wrap around my side, but I’m too shell-shocked by his mother to turn to him.
“Mom, I’m going to steal Louisa for a second.” I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t move. “Dad said you’d want to know that the Greenbergs have arrived.”
“Oh.” She puts her empty glass on the bar. “Excellent.” She squeezes my arm. “To be continued, dear.”
I just nod. Horror, panic, fear flooding me.
Lou stands in front of me, his hands running up and down my skin, already prickling with goosebumps.
“Baby girl, you okay?” He says gently. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I can’t get married in front of five hundred people,” I say, my throat raspy.
“What?” He says.
I start to pace out of his touch. “I don’t want your mom planning our wedding. I don’t even know if I want a wedding.” I let out a manic laugh. “I mean, I know I don’t want a wedding. I want to elope. I’ve always wanted to elope. I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this. I can’t have a wedding with all these people, withhundredsof people.”
I continue pacing, shaking my head, and rattling on.
“I don’t want to quit my job and raise babies. I like my job, I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom.” I say. “Fuck, I don’t even know if I want to be a mom at all. I don’t think I want kids. I like my freedom. I like my life.”
I bend over, hands on my knees, as I breathe heavily like I just finished the New York Marathon in a onesie.“Oh my god.”
Lou steps up to me and lifts me upright. “Okay, sweetheart. I’m going to need you to breathe.”
He mimics breathing, his chest rising high. I copy him, inhaling, and then letting out a whooshing exhale.
“None of what you just said is happening.” He says.
“I know, I know.” I laugh a little more unhinged again. “Because none of this is even real.”
“Not what I meant.”
I finally flit my eyes to his, my panic still oozing out of me.
“We don’t need to have a wedding. We can elope. I want that too.”
“Lou. We’re not getting married. We’re not reallyengaged.” I whisper yell.
“I know.” He smiles. “But when we do get married, we’ll elope.”
“Lou.” I scold.
“Louisa.” He mocks with a smirk.
