Page 67 of Mail-Order Bride Mommy
But before he could think what he wanted to speak, she lifted her skirt and fled to the house.
He took a step after her and then changed his mind. His thoughts were in turmoil, still jittery after the scare Lindy had given them. He ground around and strode to the barn, climbed to the loft, and sank to the floor with Cat and her kittens purring around him. He pulled the gray kitten to his lap and stroked it.
Every breath was a struggle as he faced the truth of his inadequacies, his failures. He hadn’t been able to protect Corine. Hadn’t been able to keep Ma from getting sick. Hadn’t even been able to save the colt he’d raised by hand…something he hadn’t thought of in a long time.
Loving meant having his heart ripped to shreds when he failed. When he had to stand by when things were out of his control. All he wanted was to protect those he loved. He pressed his fist to his chest. At the same time, protect his heart.
The kitten crawled from his lap and joined its litter mates nursing at their mother.
Cats had it easy. They were born, accepted the affection they were offered, and didn’t worry about the future.
A truth slammed into his ribs. Cat enjoyed life because she had confidence that her humans would feed her and give her attention. Matt had someone more sufficient than a person. He had God. He was loved by God and protected by Him. His life was in hands so much bigger and stronger than his own that he needed to stop thinking he had to control everything.
Love might be risky. It might mean pain. But with God holding their lives, he could face the future with confidence. He could give his heart wholly and freely to Gwen if she’d have it.
He bolted to his feet, slid down the ladder without using the rungs, and trotted across the yard. He needed to talk to Gwen, tell her he wanted to marry her, not only as a mother for Lindy, but because he loved her and couldn’t imagine the future without her. No matter what the risks.
* * *
Gwen grabbedthe back of the chair, facing Matt as he rushed through the door. He skidded to a stop. She sucked in endless air that did nothing to calm her inner turmoil.
“I’ve something I want to say to you.” His breathless words indicated he’d been running.
She held up her hand. “Please, let me go first.” The ragged pounding in her head increased. The frightening hours of Lindy’s disappearance had given Gwen plenty of opportunity to face her failings. And come to a decision.
“I’ve failed.” She forced the words out. Each syllable scraped across her tongue. “I’m not what you need. You did right to ask for a delay in the wedding.” Her insides were so tight, so painful she had to pause and wait for them to settle.
“Gwen—” He took a step toward her.
She pushed her hand toward him. If he came too close, she wouldn’t be able to say what she must.
“You wanted someone who could keep Lindy safe. I’ve proven I can’t.”
He rocked his head back and forth and opened his mouth, but she rushed on before he could speak.
“You need to find someone else.” The words revealed very little of the tremors that consumed her insides. She swallowed back rising nausea. She’d meant to prove herself necessary, invaluable, wanted…instead, she’d proven the opposite.
He leaned back on his heels. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“I…I…” The air whooshed from her lungs, and she couldn’t finish. She didn’t want to go but… “What value am I to you or Lindy?”
“Gwen.” Her name sounded warm and cherished on his lips.
Her breath stalled somewhere between her lungs and hope as he closed the distance between them in slow strides.
The chair barred his approach. He gently lifted her hands from its back and set it aside. “Gwen, can I tell you what you are to me? You are everything I need and want. You are my spring and summer. The sunshine on a cloudy day. You fill my days with joy.” His voice was so soft it sent shivers down her spine. He caught her by the shoulders, sending the shivers deeper, into the very core of her being. “You do the same for Lindy. More than that, you make me willing to accept the uncertainty of a future neither of us can control. I’m choosing to trust God instead.” His voice deepened, echoing in her heart. “Gwen, what I’m trying to say is I love you. I want you to be in my life for now and always.”
“You do?” He loved her. Valued her. Wanted her.
He waited, uncertainty in his expression.
She had failed but he still wanted her. It was beyond her wildest hope. Seeing uncertainty in his gaze, she let words flow from her heart. “Matt, I love you. Together, we can face the future.”
He lowered his head and caught her mouth in a kiss full of tenderness.
Her heart was safe with him. And she’d hold his gently as long as she lived.
16
