Page 187 of Debts and Desires
“A dead man.”
80. SINNER
March 28
Carter’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as we made our way home. The atmosphere inside the truck was blanketed with a heavy silence. I knew what he was thinking. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded watching Carter beat the shit out of Jed again. The memory of the primalistic aggression Carter displayed had me clenching my thighs together. Carter could justbreatheat this point and I’d want to ride his dick ‘til kingdom come. My cheeks heated at the thought and I looked over at him once more. He looked miserable, fighting with himself internally, and I hated it.
“He’s not worth it, Carter,” I whispered, reaching over to touch his arm. It seemed to wake him from his trance. He looked over at me for a moment before looking back at the road, then took my hand, intertwining our fingers.
As the tires hit our driveway, I moved my hand from his and squeezed his thigh.
“So, what were you saying earlier? You were gonna bend me over the couch and?” I asked, hoping to change his still soured mood. He only shook his head.
“Nothin’, Buttercup. I just wanna relax, work on that songsome if you still want.” I pouted, a little disappointed that I wouldn’t be getting any right away. I knew I more than likely would at bedtime, though, so I wasn’t too upset. Right now, I knew he needed the music, something I understood more than anyone.
“Okay.”
Mac was waiting patiently at his spot on the porch, BJ in the window. Silently we headed in, grabbing guitars and notebooks before heading to the back porch, both animals following. BJ rarely went past the porch, curling up near the door while Mac found a spot out in the backyard.
“So, tell me ‘bout this part that’s stuck in your head,” Carter said, and I obliged. We worked for a while until something substantial was nailed down, then I ended up sitting across his lap, my head resting on his chest as he traced circles on my belly. I was showing, but I wasn’t super huge yet, but enough that it was clear. I had only recently started feeling baby kick, but we still had a while before Carter would, according to the midwife.
“I can’t wait,” I said, feeling the small flutter again.
“Me either.”
Beneath his enthusiasm lurked an uncertainty. I noticed the way his smile faltered when he thought I wasn’t looking, the faint furrow of his brow as if he wrestled with his thoughts. He continued rubbing my belly, but stopped, staring, thinking.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What if I’m just like him? What if this kid grows up hatin’ me?”
“You willneverbe like that monster,” I affirmed.
“I already am. Look at what I did to you.” I felt my heart ache at his words, a painful reminder of the wounds we carried. But I refused to let Jed’s darkness taint our future in any way, to let his shadow loom over the happiness we’d fought so hard to find.
“That’s…different. Your intent wasn’t to hurt me. You just wanted my number. And while it was definitely not the way to go about it, your intentions weren’t malicious. You checked in with me often that I still wanted to go through with it all.” Ipaused, making him look up at me. “You’re kind, loving, and fiercely devoted to those you care about. You are going to be a wonderful dad.”
I thought my words would help make him feel better. They didn’t.
“Carter?”
“It was more than your number.”
“What?”
He didn’t answer at first, but nodded to the seat I’d been sitting in before. I moved to it, facing him as he stared out at Mac, who was rolling in the grass.
“I know this isn’t the right time… but there’s a lot I haven’t told you that I need to.”
“Okay?”
“Part of why I…” He clenched his jaw, eyes avoiding mine as he struggled for his words. “Part of why I did those things was for your number. But I did it for another reason.” He sighed. “I told you when Granddad died, he left me his stuff and the house.” I nodded. “I told you about the garage, too, right?”
“With the certain instructions?” He had been super vague when he told me, telling me it was a bunch of “hoops and shit” that he had to jump through.
“Yeah. Well, there’s more.” He swallowed. “In addition to the garage, Granddad left all his money.” His eyes met mine. “It’sa lot,Em. And I mean,a whole fuckin’ lot.”
“Enough to buy the garage?”
