Page 102 of Debts and Desires
“You still mad at me?” he asked, a hint of humor in his voice that made me roll my eyes. Carter and I had made another wager two days ago that added another full day, not that I had been counting at all. He had been, and told me I had made it all the way down to only fifteen hours left before he added the twenty-four. I don’t know why, but it had rubbed me the wrong way. I gave him an attitude, also earning me five more. I’d shut my mouth then.
“No,” I finally replied. My answer seemed okay as he turnedback to finish cooking.
He eventually sat a plate of food before me. It wasn’t the normal amount he would usually pile on, and I was grateful. I smiled and thanked him before picking up my fork to try to eat what I could. With every bite, the memory of my parents’ disapproving voices echoed, chastising me for indulging in too much food. The simple act of eating had become a minefield of anxiety and self-doubt.
Get over it! Why is it bothering you now?!
I didn’t have an answer, chalking it up to struggling to shake off the lingering effects of the nightmare. It had been all too vivid, dredging up painful memories from the past.
“You’re up early,” I said, taking a bite.
“Yeah. Couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“You looked peaceful.”
If you only knew, my mind was anything but.
“So, what’s on your mind?”
“I have an inspection coming up soon. For the shop, to make sure everything meets the state’s expectations.”
“Oh. Do you need help with anything?”
“Nah. I know everythin’s good to go. Just have that little voice sayin’ otherwise,” he laughed. I offered an empathetic smile, knowing what he meant.
As I sat, pushing my food around on my plate, the weight of the dream came back. With a heavy sigh, I pushed my half-eaten meal aside, the taste of bile rising in my throat, and rose to go get dressed.
“You sure you’re okay, baby?” he asked moments later, joining me to get ready.
“Yeah.” I hated lying to him. I grabbed the biggest shirt I could, one of Carter’s with his shop name on it, and a pair of leggings. After brushing my teeth, I threw my hair up and put on a little makeup, doing my best to avoid my reflection.
I had goneyearswithout it bothering me. Why did it bother me now?
The day seemed to drag at the shop, made worse by the fact that I’d forgotten my notebook.
To distract myself from everything, I decided to hunker down, tackling the last of the cluttered office files.
When I was finished, Carter gave a mixed expression of both astonishment and gratitude. I think he knew something was off with me and was surprisingly giving me space. I was appreciative, but I also just wanted a hug.
At lunch, Carter ordered food and brought it back, scarfing his down quickly so that he could finish up the vehicle he was on, swearing he was close to “figurin’ the fucker out.”
It took all I had to take a bite of my sandwich.
Normally, I could shrug it off, but today I couldn’t for some reason. Their words were like poison, contaminating my thoughts and sapping my appetite. I tossed the sandwich down with a sigh.
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I caught sight of the appointment calendar, a small circle I had drawn around a date staring me back.
It dawned on me. I wasstressed. Anxious. Nervous.
It was the disappointment in myself for not going through with the audition. If I were to make a video, it was due on the thirty-first. Halloween. That was four days away. And the thought had my stomach churning again.
Maybe next time.
But deep down, I knew there wouldn’t be a next time. I looked around the office for something else to do, my eyes landing on the kitten poster.
