Page 47 of The Earl's Reluctant Bride
“Elizabeth’s being away has affected me in ways I could not imagine,” Alexander said thoughtfully.
“How so?” Conrad asked.
“I have not been sleeping or eating well.”
“Come on, my man. Do you not see? You are in love!” Gilbert exclaimed.
Barlow smirked. “I concur.”
“What nonsense do you speak! I believe all romantic relationships have a tragic ending. All this love drivel.”
“You are wrong, Thornton. I was happily self-sufficient until I met my wife. Suddenly,someoneelse mattered, even more than me. It was distracting and ridiculous and thebestfeeling in the world.” Gilbert said.
Barlow quipped. “I have suffered a broken heart and I would gladly suffer it again were I to meet the right lady. Hope always remains, along with a vision of sustainable happiness. And somehow, as unlikely as it seems, that vision makes it worthwhile.”
Trust. Lady Alice had left an indelible impression on Alexander by making him mistrustful. By leaving him Elizabeth had made him realize that they could not be happy until he rebuilt his ability to trust. When they wed, he vowed that Elizabeth had to prove her character, with time and deeds, for him to believe love existed given he was naïve and quick to claim love before.Had she proven it?
Alexander wondered if he was also gripped by fear of rejection or abandonment. He did feel a sense of abandonment when his parents sent him to a boarding school. Did this contribute to his incessant need for reassurance and proof of love? Alexander’s stomach was in knots yet, he wanted to understand it.
Barlow continued. “I have seen the risks. I know the pain that can come, yet I am prepared to take that risk.”
Gilbert was philosophical. “Falling in love is to experience pure, unbridled joy. Do not mistake me. There will still be moments in your time together where your lady may disappoint you or you will be frustrated. Similarly, you may occasionally frustrate and disappoint them.”
“I think you are running away from your feelings, Thornton,” Conrad pronounced. “Falling in love means opening yourself up to another being and experiencing true intimacy. Sharing with someone your deepest fears, betrayals, hopes and dreams. Falling in love is terrifying, because a broken, devastated heart is one of the most painful things a man will ever experience. And our minds and bodies are very good at trying to protect us from harm.”
Alexander knitted his brows and emptied his glass. “So, you believe that I am protecting my heart from loving my wife?
Barlow said. “If you have ever been hurt then I certainly can understand being terrified of falling in love again.”
Gilbert refilled Alexander’s glass. “There is a cure for your sickness, Thornton. How do you feel about the countess? Is she considerate, caring, forgiving, and kind? This is a question so personal that as a matter of truest fact only you can answer it. But I firmly believe you already know the answer.”
Alexander’s thoughts were like a tumultuous applause sounding in his head. Why was he reluctant to admit that that he cared deeply for Elizabeth? Falling in love was one of the most terrifying leaps of faith a gentleman could make. To fall in love is to give yourself over to someone else …completely.
The rest of the evening passed pleasantly. Alexander’s thoughts kept drifting away from time to time. It was Elizabeth. He could not stop himself from thinking of her. Somehow, his friends had lifted a bit of his burden, and he ruminated on their comments when he left Brook’s that night. As he lay in bed, he contemplated his true feelings. It did not bode well for a good night’s rest.
The following morning Alexander awakened with a determination to attend to his business and estate. He had made arrangements to see his attorney and went to the gentleman’s office. He sat there patiently and listened to the discourse, but he found he could not concentrate. He was relieved when the meeting ended. He took the documents to his town house with a promise to review them. It was a promise he was wondering if he could keep.
There was a light drizzle when he left the attorney’s office, but Alexander decided to walk. He wandered aimlessly around the streets among the hustle and bustle of people visiting the shops. He gazed longing at the other couples who he was sure had no interest in his expressionless, unsmiling face, and slumped shoulders. The rain hit him gently at first and the air became noticeably cooler, seeping in through his warm layers. He did not normally enjoy being out in the rain.
The clouds began to move in and large droplets of moisture began to fall. At that point Alexander should have felt the chill seeping through his bones, but he did not notice. He breathed in the cool air which at least reminded him he was living, yet only just existing. Alexander sighed heavily. The rain had soaked through his garments and he decided to return to the town house. The walk did not make him feel refreshed, inspired, or re-invigorated. Alexander stroked his arm aimlessly. He missed Elizabeth dreadfully. He wished that he could see the corners of her mouth lift into a smile and the twinkle in her eyes.
When he returned home, he sequestered himself in the library with instructions he was not to be disturbed. His heart was drumming in his chest as he was tossed into the uncharted wilds of loneliness. He felt like a porcelain doll that Elizabeth ruthlessly dropped onto the hard floor, arms and legs scattered, a shattered smile.
Alexander had never felt so helpless as he did at that moment. He needed Elizabeth. He desperately wanted to go to her, yet he could not. He did not chase after her because he knew he had to respect her wishes. He had not expected Elizabeth to ease his journey. He would have been a fool to expect it. Elizabeth was far too feisty and independent for that. He laughed bitterly. If he was not feeling so bereft, he would have admired her gumption. He had groveled and apologized but she had not accepted it. Alexander ran both hands through his hair.What the hell was he to do now?
CHAPTER21
Another two weeks had gone by since Alexander sent Teague and Princess and Elizabeth’s art supplies. Elizabeth had kept herself quite busy although that did not stop Alexander from invading her thoughts. As a matter of fact, she was staring at his face for several hours each day and he stared back at her. She had painted a portrait of Alexander by the river at Thornton Manor. That special intimate moment that they had shared. Try as she might, she could not forget it. Her breath caught deep in her chest when she remembered his kiss, his touch. She longed for all of him and she only had to close her eyes to remember his scent, feel, and taste. At first, she wondered if she would ever be able to stop thinking of him, and now she had her answer … she could never.
For her whole life, she always thought she should have what she wanted. In the beginning, she thought she was in love with Viscount Salisbury and she wanted to wed for love, so she ran off with him. How wrong she was. She did not love the viscount. What she felt for Alexander had disabused her of that notion and she came to accept she was merely infatuated with the viscount. With Alexander, she felt calm and centered. She felt a stronger sense of security, something she had not experienced with the viscount, and she never felt as though her life was lacking it before.
She loved him. At first, she thought Alexander did not deserve her love, that he was not worthy of it. She remembered how it felt when she first came to the realization. As soon as she confessed it to herself, she wanted to take it back. Laying her heart open was such a risk. What if …. But she had immediately stopped herself. She decided to embrace her love for him.
Elizabeth gazed out the window to the blue sky beyond. It was a lovely day and she was tempted to go for a walk. Instead, she stood back and appraised her painting. She nodded her head as she was quite pleased with her creation. Alexander seemed so lifelike. It is a pity she could not will him to step from her paper and stand in front of her. She pondered what she would say if he was here with her right now.
“Alexander, you could not have known how much you hurt me. It was beyond measure because I fell in love with you. It was anguish, stabbing, and torturous. At first, I wished never to see you again and I was desperate for you to become a lingering memory. I needed to have time alone, to heal. You do not know that often I thought to reach for you, but it would be against my better judgment. I sincerely hope that you have come to realize that all your worries were for naught for they were unfounded. Our time apart has helped me to heal, as has my realization that I do not want to be away from you. I am prepared to love you and hope that in time you will come to love me. I understand that love will not happen when I want it and I am prepared to wait for you.”
Elizabeth decided to go for a walk. Upon her return, she must decide what to do next. She took Teague and Princess with her. She opened the main entrance door to find them waiting. They stretched, shook themselves, and circled several times before they followed her. As Elizabeth ambled down the path, she thought at least the dogs were happier than she was. Teague and Princess were nipping, pushing, and jumping. They bounded about, ran ahead of her before catching up, and then lagged behind. Suddenly, they rushed past Elizabeth roaming the grounds, engaged in dog intrigue. She had to be careful so they did not trip her.
