Page 45 of The Earl's Reluctant Bride
Elizabeth
As soon as she completed the letter Elizabeth arranged for it to be delivered. It was not what Alexander would expect. She could not care less.
A week later Elizabeth received another letter. She was anxious to read it when she realized it was from Alexander.
Dearest Elizabeth,
I was a fool but I see that now. I have not held on to my feelings of anger and hurt. I hurt you deeply and you may not wish to forgive me, but I care for you, with all my heart. I am not good at expressing my emotions, Elizabeth, yet it is what I seek to accomplish. I am asking for your forgiveness for deep down inside, deep in my heart I believe we can make a turn from this. It is an opportunity for our relationship to improve, grow better and stronger.
I have not forgotten that we discussed living apart. Still, I do not believe our relationship is irreparable. I will not accept it.
Yours truly,
Alexander
Elizabeth tensed when she read the words and her nostrils flared. She was incensed.He will not accept it. How dare he?Elizabeth’s hands shook as she penned her reply.
Alexander,
You say that you have not held on to your feelings of anger and here I was thinking you were ready to admit those feelings were misplaced. I am surprised to see you declare that you will not accept living apart. Am I to accept a marriage that is absent of trust and love? It is my belief that these go hand in hand. I need to know that I can feel safe with you and that I can trust you if I fall.
Trust and love, Alexander. Dare I say that trust is even more important than love. Should I be satisfied with defensively protecting my heart from pain, or should I have the confidence to know that you will not hurt or violate me? If you trusted me, you would not have rushed to judgement, you would have listened and you would have come to me that night. You should not have waited.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth sensed that Alexander was prepared to open up his life to her but he was not prepared to open up his heart. His expressed desire to overcome their difficulties was genuine yet, it was not enough. She could not force him to love or trust her. She could not compel or demand it.
She knew that at some point they needed to speak, but she could not face him right now. She needed to navigate the confusion of her own feelings. At the very moment when she asked Alexander if he could not bring himself to love her, she realized that she loved him. Elizabeth was in love with Alexander. She knew that for certain. Her heart constricted. She had left herself exposed, vulnerable and opened her heart and soul to a person who may never reciprocate.
She climbed the stairs to her bedchamber and collapsed on her bed. The turmoil of seeing Alexander again made her feel exhausted. Alexander wanted her to forgive him. No doubt he wanted her to return to Thornton Manor but what would be the point? There would be naught to gain but more heartache. She would not make herself available to be torn apart by this pain, not again. It would be too much for her to love Alexander, and keep on loving him, without being loved back. Under the circumstances, it could not be possible to have joy and fulfillment.
Elizabeth pondered. Was she being too harsh?
She learned that it was difficult for him to speak of his emotions. She would be a hypocrite if she said she did not understand this. She had not declared her own love for him. She had become guarded rather than sharing her true feelings. When he held her hand, she wanted him to put his arms around her, to feel his secure embrace. Alexander was concerned about Salisbury but he need not worry for the depths of her feelings for Salisbury were not the same. She knew that now. Salisbury had never provoked such depths of self-examination, excitement, and promise. She had put a great deal of distance between Alexander and herself but that did not stop her from thinking about him every day.
What she felt for Salisbury was in no way of equal measure and it was a bit of a shock to realize that although at the time she thought her feelings for Salisbury were intense they all but disappeared. She was truly in love with Alexander and she wondered what she would do about this revelation.
* * *
Over the next few weeks,there was a series of events that were set in motion by Alexander. The first one had filled her heart with joy. A few days ago, when she had finished breaking her fast, she heard a bit of a commotion at the front door. Curious, she had gone to see what was disrupting the quiet of her peaceful sanctuary. As she walked down the hallway toward the front door two furry, rather large dogs bounded toward her and ran around in circles, lapping at the foot of her skirt. It was Princess and Teague.
Immediately she knew Alexander had sent them to her and her heart swelled in her chest. Straight away she had taken them into the garden so that they could frolic and become comfortable in their new surroundings. Elizabeth giggled as they jumped on her skirt before they rolled around the grass trampling some of the flowers, laughing as the gardener would not be pleased.
Only yesterday she watched a carriage roll up the path from the drawing-room window. She was not expecting anyone. She was surprised to see the butler from Thornton Manor descend from the carriage before he took the smaller of her easels and other art supplies from it. She was elated for she knew Alexander was thinking of her and all her needs. Drawing was therapeutic and it would be calming to her at this time. She sensed Alexander was near. She did not think he would leave her here alone for much longer, not when she was carrying his heir. She wondered what would transpire when he resurfaced again. A letter had accompanied her dogs.
Dearest Elizabeth,
I have truly missed our closeness and believe when I say that everything around me has suffered this past fortnight. I have not given the estate or my charity due attention. My friends have called on me in town and they were all turned away. I have not been to a single social engagement. The house is empty without you.
Yours truly,
Alexander
She pondered Alexander’s letter and tried to sort through her feelings.You cannot bring yourself to love me. Do you not see that I would never be able to enjoy our laughter, walks or curling up to you in bed if I doubt that you trust or love me?
CHAPTER20
Brook’s Gentlemen’s Club, London
