Page 44 of The Earl's Reluctant Bride
“As are Elizabeth’s feelings and wishes. I am sorry but I cannot say.”
Alexander gave a heavy sigh and stood. He realized he would not get what he came for so there was naught for him to gain by remaining here. Barlow was stubborn.
“I will be at the town house if you change your mind. I bid you good day.” He departed the drawing room with Barlow walking closely behind him as if he suspected Alexander would barge into the house and open all the doors as he sought Elizabeth, but he would not. He believed Barlow. Elizabeth was not at this residence.
When Alexander stepped out onto the street on his return journey, he did not feel the fresh air. His hands and skin were clammy. His day had just gone from a bad one to a bit of a disaster. A feeling of dread gripped his heart. Elizabeth had abandoned him like a neglected garden, his feeling of despair grew in the soil of his sense of isolation. He was no longer a fruit in his happy grove, more like an unfit apple ripped from its branch and cast aside, with no prospect of survival.
He could not blame his feelings on melancholy because he knew the source of his despair. Hopelessness, the quiet, viscous poison was already seeping into the cracks of his spirit, but he must not let it. This state of affairs was entirely of his own making and it was up to him to resolve it. He was getting a kick up the arse and it was one that he deserved, wholeheartedly. He did not know if Elizabeth thought he would skulk off into some far corner and leave her be when she was carrying his child, his heir. If she did, she was in for a rude awakening.
CHAPTER19
Battlesden Manor, Bedfordshire
Elizabeth sat in her bedchamber at Battlesden Manor thinking of the irony in the name. She was in battle, with Alexander and with herself. She dropped her hand to her belly as she thought of the maid rushing to her with the chamber pot at dawn this morning. She had been so ill then that she did not think that she could leave her bed. Despite the illness, she was pleased to have a babe growing within her, a being she could love and cherish. She would not have the dismal comfort of a childless old age and contrary to what Amelia had told her she did not fear dying in childbirth. At least, not yet.
She was quite happy in the country without society and social entertainments. She took no pleasure in it and wanted to remain here. She did not wish to be at one of Alexander’s estates at present because she did not think that he would stay away. She wanted him to stay away, as far away as possible. It was fortunate for her that she had thought of a contingency before they wed. If the union was not tolerable, they had agreed to live apart on separate estates.
Alexander was a confident man and it is likely that he thought this eventuality would never happen. She had been in despair at the beginning of their life together, then there was a glimmer of hope for the future. Nevertheless, in one evening her hopes were dashed in a spectacular fashion and the pain of the encounter caused her breath to catch in her throat even now.
The words still stung. “Is it mi….”
Whatever little joy she felt with Alexander had disappeared and the despair she felt was similar to mourning someone she loved. When she looked at her reflection in the mirror this morning there was no light, no spark. Oftentimes she pondered how she would manage to exist another day. Last night she dreamt that she was falling down a dark bottomless well, wondering if and when her fall would ever be caught. And as she looked back from whence she fell, where she needed to get back to, she could see it receding further into the distance, the proverbial light becoming dimmer and dimmer, while the well into which she was falling become deeper, darker, and all the more enveloping. What made the dream particularly chilling was that somehow, she knew that Alexander was in the well but she was not sure he would save her.
Elizabeth was famished but she could not eat until late in the morning. She sat by the window admiring the beautiful landscape and sipped her tea. Tea was all she could tolerate at this time of the day. She had arrived at Battlesden Manor a fortnight ago and she was cheered at the privacy the secluded manor provided her with. The sheltered location meant she would not attract gossip here. She had left specific instructions with her family. Alexander was not to be told of her location even under threats of torture. She had not taken the decision lightly and she struggled with the choice every day but inevitably arrived at the conclusion that it was for the best.
She was not foolish. She understood Alexander would come after her. She had not spoken to him nor left a note. In the eyes of the law, she was all but Alexander’s property, and if he chose to disregard their agreement to live separately, she would be forced to return to him. She would be deemed to be breaking the law and depriving her husband of his property, which was herself and their babe. She would not receive a stamp of masculine approval for her wayward actions. Even if Alexander did not want her, he would likely pursue her, nonetheless. He would see it as an affront to his masculinity if he could not maintain a safe home for her and the babe after all, he was a provider and protector.
There were days when a bit of doubt shook her resolve. She could not forget that Alexander did not need her to downplay her God-given talent of being an artist and he supported her pursuit furnishing her with the materials she needed. Alexander knew better than anyone that she was headstrong, but he decided to wed her anyway, and for a while, it was better than she expected.
She was not completely ignorant of the world, a meek lady, lacking opinion, general helplessness, and weakness. She was so much more. She did not consider herself to be inferior to Alexander, regardless of the mistakes she had made, and she would not act like it. She had decided that she did not want to be with Alexander if he only wanted to be with her because of a sense of duty and the prevailing notion that he needed to do the right thing. She must be sure he would catch her when she fell into the well. She wanted him to trust her, believe in her, and love her … yes,love.
Oh, Alex. I do love you so.
There was a knock on her door.
“Come in.” she said.
Her lady’s maid approached her hesitantly. “You have a letter, my lady.”
Who might that be? Elizabeth pondered though she was not ready for the answer. She took the letter, turned it over and instantly recognized Alexander’s seal. Elizabeth’s heart was beating so fast she thought it would burst from her chest. She broke the seal and read.
Dearest Elizabeth,
I am frantically worried for you and the babe. I trust you are both well. It was not easy for me to discover where you were, but I made it my mission for I must. I know you do not wish to see me, and I understand why. I do not deserve your consideration, yet I am entreating you to ponder my humble apology. I impeached your character with impunity, I wounded you deeply and for that I am truly sorry.
When you left it was like a hard punch in the gut from a strong fist. I thought I would not breathe again and the aftershock made me wonder if the pain would never end. Forgive me.
Yours truly,
AlexanderThe maid departed and Elizabeth exhaled slowly when the door closed grateful the maid did not see her hands trembling. She got up from the armchair and she felt lightheaded. She held on to the chair and steadied herself, walking to the window where she gulped the fresh morning air. Elizabeth moved to her desk and penned a response to Alexander.
Alexander,
At the inn you said that you were a man of honor, who would care for me, yet you attacked my virtue without just cause. I believed it was best, under the circumstances, to put some distance between us. You caused me great distress and I cannot even begin to describe this hurt. You wish to be forgiven and I suppose reconcile. Have you considered what it is that I want? Alexander, you agreed that if I did not think this union was right, we could live apart, and we could live separate lives. I trust you have not forgotten.
The babe that you referred to does not exist. I discovered upon my arrival that I am not with child, I was a bit hasty in concluding I was. You were concerned about being the father, so I believe this should set your mind to rest.
Yours,
