Page 42 of The Earl's Reluctant Bride
“What is it that you wish to say?” Alexander sat and leaned forward with his elbow to his knees.
“I have good news. I am with child. I intended to tell you after the ball this evening but I may as well say it now. I did not want to mention it. Not until I was sure.”
Alexander sat up with a start and rested his back against the seat. Elizabeth gave him a wide smile.
“Is it mi ….” Alexander began before Elizabeth winced and shot to her feet. Her muscles ached, there was rawness in her throat, and her breath stopped. Her sudden action caused him to falter and he did not complete the question.
Elizabeth stumbled backward, her hand flew to her chest and her mouth gaped open. She was mortified at the implication.Who is this man that sat before her for he was most assuredly not her husband. He was a stranger. Her heart constricted and tears welled up in her eyes. She tried to hold them back, but she felt them slide down her cheeks. Elizabeth genuinely thought they were building a bond. She was celebrating how well things had gone since they returned from Gretna Green, but more fool her. Alexander had allowed harmful thoughts, actions, and emotions to feed his suspicion and jealousy. His lack of trust was a powerful blow to the bond she was trying to build between them. How can they possibly be together if Alexander does not have confidence in her? He thinks her low and unfaithful. Elizabeth did not see how they could go forth.
“Alexander, if there is no trust between us how can we love?” Elizabeth’s voice echoed her hurt.
Alexander ran his hands through his hair and scoffed. “Love?” He asked derisively. “What nonsense are you speaking of? A marriage needs only trust and faithfulness.”
Elizabeth sighed heavily and slumped her shoulders. “Sadly, Alexander we do not even have that trust.” Elizabeth spun around and walked through the tears that shimmered in her eyes toward the house.
Although it was happening in her head, she screamed …this cannot be! She and Alexander had settled into a calm familiarity and she felt at in his presence. They had developed a connection, or so she thought. She was certainly mistaken if Alexander was accusing her of taking Lord Salisbury as her lover. Alexander thought she had been unfaithful. Elizabeth flushed, her cheeks burning red with the indignity of his accusations. She had done nothing to deserve his ire. He was jealous and she wondered what feelings of inadequacy he possessed that would cause him to be so proprietorial.
She could only imagine that when Alexander saw Lord Salisbury holding her on the dance floor, he felt their union was in immediate danger, making it impossible to distinguish between natural feelings of protectiveness and irrational suspicion. Yes, his suspicion was irrational, completely unfounded, and there were no two ways about it. Alexander was suspicious, quick to temper and he hurt her with his words. She was outraged by his misguided sense of betrayal. There was a tightness in her chest and her stomach churned for even though she had explained the encounter with Lord Salisbury, Alexander continued to doubt her motives. His imagination had gone wild and he had done nothing to tame it.
Elizabeth decided to enter the house through the main door when she couldn’t usher herself up the stairs without returning to the ballroom. She dried her eyes as best she could, entered the house and went directly to her bedroom. She rang for her lady’s maid and changed into her nightgown. She was pleased when the woman left her for she wanted to be alone in her misery. She would never have thought Alexander to be insensitive but tonight he was.
The cold truth sent shivers down her spine. Alexander never trusted her, he could never trust her because of the secrets she kept in the past. She was foolish enough to run off with Lord Salisbury believing that he loved her, and she had hid the truth of their attachment from her friends and her family. Alexander must have thought she was quite guileful so he would not trust her easily. She trusted him implicitly and he had done nothing to undermine the foundations of that trust … until now.
Elizabeth dropped her hands to her stomach, although she knew she could not feel the babe, it was there. A part of Alexander was growing inside her. She was excited, nervous, and a bit afraid at the prospect of bearing his child. She could not bear the thought of Alexander not loving the babe. Announcing she was with child should have been a happy occasion and a reason for them to celebrate. Instead, she was distressed. He had ripped her heart from her chest with such savagery. He had hurt her so much that it would be impossible for her to remain under the same roof.
Elizabeth felt the pain crash through her and she fell to the floor, silently screaming and wishing she had never laid eyes on Alexander Crawford. Her chest was filled with millions of tiny needles that were trying to work their way out to her extremities. Would this crippling pain ever end? She was wracked with sobs as she wondered if she would ever be able to forgive him.
CHAPTER18
After the ball had ended later that evening Alexander sat in his bedroom in the armchair by the window. He had a bottle of whiskey and a glass which was never empty. He was sure he would suffer on the morrow, as he always did when he overindulged, but he would let tomorrow take care of itself.
Damn it to hell! He was chastising himself because his behavior this night was unbecoming and he was a fool to speak to Elizabeth in the way that he had.What the devil had gotten into him?
Alexander was not one prone to insecurity or low self-worth so why did he react the way that he did when he saw Salisbury with Elizabeth? For one he was annoyed Lord Salisbury was even in his ballroom. His mother had been invited and clearly Salisbury took advantage of that and dared to show his face. Both he and Barlow had done all that they could to protect Elizabeth and Barlow made it clear that Salisbury was never to contact Elizabeth. What could he possibly hope to gain by showing up at the ball to introduce Elizabeth as his countess? What did he hope to gain? The whiskey must be addling his thoughts for he had no answer to his questions.
When he saw Elizabeth in Salisbury’s arms, he felt a kaleidoscope of ferocity. A wave of intense emotion, a combination of overpowering anxiety, anger, and confusion. No man wants to be humiliated by being a cuckold. He could not bear the thought of Elizabeth being in the arms of another and especiallynotSalisbury.
Will I ever be enough for you? His anxiety was focused on the fear of losing Elizabeth’s affection for she was essential to his happiness. She may not have chosen him but he had chosen her. They had grown closer while they spent time in the country and he knew that she was growing fond of him. He felt it when he held her in his arms. Perhaps fondness was not enough. He did not want them to break apart, for Elizabeth to live on another one of his estates while he lived at Thornton Manor. He understood such marriages existed but resolved his union should not take this course.
He replenished his glass and took a generous swig; the liquid warmed his throat and stomach. Alexander sighed heavily. He had not been keen to wed but he decided that when he did, his wife would be agreeable, dutiful, and ready to perform her duties.
He was beginning to wonder if he had made a mistake because Elizabeth was wayward. She decided that she wanted to have control over her own future and wed a gentleman of her own choosing. She steadfastly set out on this path before he interrupted her. Perhaps her impulsive wayward nature makes her unsuitable to be his countess. He could not force her to be what he wanted her to be.
He supposed Salisbury had declared his undying love for her while he had not.Rather than having his head in the clouds, he looked at life in a more realistic way. He had never promised to love her. It was not as though he did not believe in anything, for he believed in romance, warmth, and devotion. He did not want this ‘love’ to cloud his judgment and lead him to make decisions that were not logical.
Alexander was comfortable around Elizabeth. He was feeling content and relaxed until they came to London. Elizabeth had given him cause to doubt her, yet he did not confront her about it. An element of mistrust had creeped into his thoughts and he did not rid himself of it before he opened his mouth and said something that caused Elizabeth great pain. He had seen it in her eyes. For a man who was committed to making his marriage work he certainly made a mess of it. At any rate this was not something that he would be able to resolve tonight. Not with all this alcohol muddling his mind.
He finished the remnants in his glass and his head began to pound. No more. He would have no more. He stood up from the chair and ambled over to his bed. Without undressing he collapsed onto his bed and soon he welcomed the darkness.
The following day Alexander opened his eyes and immediately closed them. He had a headache that was so intense that it made him feel sick to his stomach. To say that he felt unwell was a bit of an understatement. He slightly opened his eyes barely peering from beneath his lashes. His mind was foggy and he was weary. He glanced through the window and realized it was the afternoon so he had slept for a few hours. Although he was relieved to know he had adequate sleep it did nothing to stem his general sense of exhaustion. He wanted to get up but he was too fatigued and he thought he would be sick.
He laid in bed and waited for his eyes to adjust to the light. He felt remorse for his actions from the night before and it was not just his drinking. He deeply regretted his abhorrent behavior and the way that he hurt Elizabeth. He had overindulged in his drinking. He drank for all the wrong reasons, to numb his senses, to forget that he saw Elizabeth in Salisbury’s arms, to obliterate that he implied to Elizabeth the child that she carried was not his. The fact that there was a babe on the way was cause for celebration but he had done naught but cock it up. He was such a fool.
Alexander’s eyes finally adjusted and he summoned the strength to sit up in his bed. When he righted himself, he limped over to the table and poured himself a spot of whiskey which should do the trick. A glass of water followed. He rang for his valet who assisted him to dress. As rotten as he felt he had the overwhelming need to go to see Elizabeth. He was sure the despair that he felt was no less than what she experienced last night in the garden.
He departed his room and went to Elizabeth’s bedchamber. She was not there. He went down the stairs to find her but she was not in any of the drawing rooms. How strange. He decided to forego breaking his fast for he was sure his stomach would not tolerate it. He rang for the butler and got straight to the point once he dispelled with the greetings.
“Has the countess gone for a walk in the garden?”
