Page 44 of Absolute Certainty
“I know that look.”
Willa bit down on her teeth.
“What?” Sahar questioned.
Trying to suppress a grin, her best friend said, “I’m trying to think of what to say so I don’t make this worse.”
Groaning, Sahar grabbed her water bottle from the vanity and took a big swig.
“Sahar, look, Jay’s kind of been into you for a while now. Don’t think I don’t notice the way his face softens the moment we walk into the coffee shop. And I can guaranteeI’mnot the reason for it because when it’s just me and Ethan or Christian, it’s not remotely the same. It’syou.”
She stared up at their bland, monochrome ceiling. Sahar wasn’t oblivious to the way Jay looked at her. She’d noticed it often but kept it tucked away. She was attractive. They all were. To top things off, she activelywent out of her way to start conversations with him. If Willa had done the same, he’d probably be interested in her, too.
“Wills, it’s not—he’s not…” she tried to say.
Willa interrupted her. “Babe, heis. Ethan’s noticed it, too, and I’m sure if you ask Christian, he’d also verify. And I don’t know whether this will make you feel better or worse, but Jay is a significantly better person than your exes. All the initial red flags I noticed in Martin are nonexistent in Jay.”
“You don’t know that,” Sahar countered.
“Actually, I do. There are stark differences between Jay and Martin. Not to mention that Jay and Sam have a number of mutual friends, whereas if we compare that detail directly to Martin, literally no one in our trusted circle knew him or anyone he was associated with.”
That much was true, but it wasn’t helpful. Far from it. She couldn’t let herself go down this road.
“Just tell me it’s a bad idea.Please. Yes, he’s a good guy. You’re right about that, and I like being around him, but I can’t have my stupid brain fly away with thoughts about kissing him.”
Willa stayed silent for a beat.
Sahar wanted to scream.
“I can’t keep messing up everything I touch,” she whispered, barely audible enough for even Willa to hear, but she did.
Willa rose from her seat and came closer to Sahar. “Hey, you don’t mess up everything you touch. Jesus Christ, I could kill that man for making you think like this. Sahar, you’re one of the best people in this entire world. You bring so much light everywhere you go.”
That was what Jay had said, and the fragments of her heart that believed the absolute worst wanted desperately to cling to those words.
But beliefs could change.
“Jay’s…I don’t know. He’s special. I want to keep him in my life. His words have been comforting. There’s something about the way he tells stories, and amid everything, they’ve been helpful. I don’t want to make things weird.”
Willa nodded with understanding. “I get that. Completely. You know I do. The best advice I can give you then is to take things one day at a time. Dodge romantic thoughts of him if you have to. Be his friend. But, Sahar, take it from me: if it starts to get too loud to ignore, then maybe there’s a reason those feelings are there. Life is precious. A wise person once told me that being too cautious could stop me from experiencing something extraordinary, andshewas right.”
That supposed wise person had a lot of love in her heart and wanted to see her two best friends get together. She had more faith in their relationship than she had in her own.
Trying to smile, Sahar said, “That wise person’s advice wasn’t meant to be volleyed back at her, but I hear you, Wills.”
“Wasn’t it? She’s the one who took care of me while I was drunk, so I’m here to look out for her now. One day at a time,” she promised.
Sahar swallowed, trying to take in Willa’s words. “One day at a time,” she repeated, then added, “I’m sorry if I start screaming at the TV more because I’m ignoring my feelings through video games.”
“Yell as much as you need to. I’ll love you the same anyway.”
Sahar felt a genuine smile curving along her lips. She couldn’t be totally awful at picking people when she’d chosen Willa as her platonic soulmate. She couldn’t be too much if Willa stayed beside her through everything. Sahar wanted to believe that desperately, but she also knew that sometimes, people were different around significant others. Maybe she did something around her exes that she didn’t do around Willa or her other friends. Maybe she—Ugh.
Willa booped Sahar’s nose with her finger, and then sat down to pin her hair back again for their wigs. Sahar would do the same.
She was grateful that all of this happened during a two-show Saturday because performing was exactly what she needed to wear out her body and quiet her mind.
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