Page 50 of Absolute Certainty
For both of them.
Leave LA for New York, work at a job he hated to be near their place of work, and answer every phone call, no matter what he was doing.
14
SAHAR
After her alarm clock blared for the third time, Sahar finally stopped snoozing and opened her eyes fully. She rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Her blackout curtains still drawn, her bedroom dark.
Her mind was right where she’d left it before she’d fallen asleep—on Jay’s words. In his made-up world. If Sahar could curl up into them and blanket them around her, she would. How and why did such a simple line have such an immense hold on her?
She should be over it by now. Last night, she had read the rewrites for episode five, yet she was still hung up on the words from four. She’d thought about them while performing; she’d ruminated on them when Willa and Ethan forced her to join them for dinner after work, and she’d fixated on them again in the shower.
In my perfect world, you and I would be together.
It wasn’t some poetic masterpiece, but it felt so intimate and tender that her heart ached every time the words crossed her mind. With every new addition to the story, Henry’s confession grew in gravitas,while Sahar’s feelings grew more clamorous. More confusing.
Maybe it was the fact that no one had ever said something like that to her. Or, maybe it was knowing the words had been born from Jay’s mind.
She wondered what it had been like for Willa when her feelings for Ethan dawned on her all at once. How the two of them must’ve felt when they first shared the stage as Darcy and Elizabeth, forcing their real emotions to bleed into the characters. She saw it, yes, and felt the chemistry it evoked as an outsider, but to experience it herself? Such longings felt foreign.
Love felt foreign.
Sahar wanted to know what it’d be like to experience the sensation of feeling like her heart could burst out of her chest because the person standing in front of her wasthatimportant. She wanted to experience love in its most overwhelming form. She wanted someone to be so compelled by her that they felt as though they’d explode if they didn’t utter the words aloud.
She’d known fractions of love—there wouldn’t be heartbreak if she hadn’t—but the more she read and the more she observed other people, it became clear that she’d never knownreallove before.
None of her relationships were worth fighting for, yet she had fought anyway, tried too hard to be worthy all the time, and destroyed herself in the process.
She groaned aloud, pulling the covers off her.No more thinking. After brushing her teeth, Sahar strolled to the living room, determining that video games would be a far better outlet right now. She took her controller from the TV stand and walked to the sofa, tossing herself down lazily.
Browsing through the games on her PlayStation 5, she decided onFIFA 23.Frustration from football was far better than frustration from romantic feelings. She could hear Willa’s slippers along thefloorboards, stepping out of her bedroom and into the kitchen, as Sahar chose her player and started the game.
“Crap. I forgot we’re out of milk. We need to go to the shops.” Sahar heard Willa call out.
Sahar kicked a goal in her game, paused, and spun in her seat to face Willa. “Yes, we do. Can you please check the pantry and let me know if we have any bags of orzo left? I kept meaning to check last night but forgot.”
She watched as Willa opened the cupboard where they kept their rice and pasta.
“One bag,” Willa said, holding a finger in the air.
“Okay, maybe I’ll get one more, so we don’t have to go back when I want it. I planned on making salad for us tomorrow,” she started, and then followed up with, “Are you staying with Ethan tonight?”
“No. I think we should have a girls’ night instead.”
Sahar let out a small, knowing pout; she knew what Willa was doing. “Wills, you can go hang out with Ethan. You don’t have to stay with me just because I’m having some questionable feelings these days.”
“Ethan will be fine. And your feelings aren’t questionable. They’re normal.”
“Okay, then we have to do somethingyouwant to do,” Sahar proposed.
Willa’s eyes went wide. “What if I want to get another ear piercing, even though I said I was done?”
Sahar grinned. “Yes. Yes, let’s do it. I’ll get one, too! What time does Max’s Tattoos and Piercings close?”
Swiping open her phone to check, Willa searched for the answer before speaking. “Seven today. I can ring them and see if they have spots open? But they also said we could do walk-in last time.”
“Call, just in case.”
