Page 132 of Absolute Certainty
Not today.
How wasit going to be August in two days?He thought, eyes fixed on the small calendar magnetized on his mother’s fridge.
He heard footsteps from the stairs on the other end of the wall before he actually saw his mom come into the kitchen.
“Hi, hun. Ellie will be down in a second. Patrick was here. They were outside playing, and she ran into some mud, so we’ve been cleaning her shoes.”
Jay covered his yawn while simultaneously nodding, and then he leaned against the island. “I didn’t know Pat was coming over.”
His mom was putting utensils back into their designated drawer when she looked back at him. “Bonnie made cupcakes, and he dropped some off. They’re in the fridge if you want any.”
“Ah,” Jay said.
She glanced at him, her eyes searching. Had his tone been off? He didn’t think it was.
“Is everything okay?” she asked.
Jay answered with a nod.
“Are you sure?” she tried again.
“Do I not seem okay?”
She tilted her head, just barely. Hewasokay. He was more than okay. He’d never been better, given how the early afternoon had been.
“No, you just seem…different,” she replied.
Blowing out a sigh, he felt the prickling sadness he often did when he looked at his mom. Thinking of everything she’d been through and how he was too young to stop it. How he didn’t fully understand what was happening in the early days. How she never stopped taking care of him and Alex, even when all her wounds were wide open.
He leaned back, eyeing the stairs on the other side of the wall, then he lowered his voice. “I’ve been seeing someone.”
An enormous grin curled along the edges of her mouth. “Sahar?” she asked, the glint in her hazel eyes mirroring Alex’s when she was excited about something.
“Was it that obvious?”
“Extremely,” she confirmed. “There was nothing platonic about the way either of you looked at each other. But also, you were lighter in a way you haven’t been for…” She paused, dejection grounding itself on her face. “A really long time. Maybe ever. It kills me because I know life’s forced you to consistently be on edge and to constantly take care of others, but for a split second, you were… at ease. I certainly hopedI wasn’t just seeing things, but I didn’t want to pry.”
He hated the fact that she was aware of the crosses he carried. He hated knowing that she likely blamed herself for them, too, when it was nevereverher fault. Clearing his throat, his eyes snagged on a fallen leaf from the orange roses at the center of the island. Jay dragged his finger to it and brought it closer before looking back at his mom. “Yeah,” he managed to say, brushing the leaf back and forth over the marble countertop.
“Do you love her?” his mom asked.
Jay nodded, still playing with the leaf. “Deeply,” he answered. He loved Sahar in a way he didn’t know he was capable of.
“And I hope you’re comfortable confiding in her?”
“I’ve told her everything,” he admitted.
He looked up at her again, the happiness in her gaze unmistakable. He tried to smile back at her, but the ache in his chest compounded.
“Then what’s the problem, honey?”
His throat tightened. The ever-present fear of whose son he was made its way to the forefront of his mind, materializing like some Goliath that was only visible to him.
“Am I like him? Is it…possible that I could ever—”
Anger leaked from her voice, but he knew it wasn’t aimed at him. “Jay, stop. Look at me.”
He did.
