Page 129 of Absolute Certainty
I wrote you one instead.Jay’s wordstoher. These weren’t about fictional characters. They wereforher. Her heartbeat accelerated as she unfolded the lined piece of paper.
She ran her fingers over the first word. His handwriting was neater than she thought it’d be when he wasn’t quickly scribbling onto a plastic cup. The fine black ink made her wonder if he had a specific pen preference. If he cared about those little things. Was he hunched over when he wrote it? Did he have a drink beside him on the kitchen table? Was it Coke? Water? Coffee?
Taking a stabilizing breath, she started reading.
Sunshine,
I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen the first time you walked into the coffee shop. I spottedyou right away, and I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing. I didn’t take your order then; I was too nervous to. You came once more, then another time, and by your fourth visit, I’d finally plucked up the courage not to hide in the back. You had the brightest smile on. I could still drown in it. It’s the one you wear every time you walk into the coffee shop.
But there was one day in particular.I fucking hated my name until it came from your lips one morning. Your stunning laugh, the glimmer in your gorgeous brown eyes. It brought me back from the hell I was so close to descending to. If I had quit that day like I was planning to, then you wouldn’t be a text away. You wouldn’t be such a huge part of my life. Henry and Katherine would’ve been shelved in a drawer, long forgotten.
I’d never know what it’s like to hold you in my arms, even if it’s for the briefest second.
Maybe one day I’ll say all of this to you in person. Maybe you’ll let me hold you for a little bit longer. Maybe you’ll entwine your fingers with mine, and I’ll beg you never to let go. Maybe one day, if I’m lucky enough, you’ll let me kiss you. Maybe you’ll let me love you and give you everything you deserve.
Your appreciation for my characters is everything, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you to see me the way you see them. I want to be a reason for your happiness. I want your light on me at all times.
A few days ago, you walked into the coffee shop, and I could see the Man City jersey under your denim jacket. Before you got to the register, I let myself think of what it’d be like to watch games together. To maybe go to one in person someday. I’ve wondered how it’d be if we sat on the same couch, playing something together. I’d want to let you win, but you’d hate that, so I’d play fair.
The first time I saw your crow tattoo, I thought it was a sign. I don’t even believe in shit like that, but damn, I really hope it is.
I don’t think I deserve you. Actually, I know I don’t. I don’t think anyone does. But if you gave me a chance, I’d fight with everything in me to keep you.
Is it weird if I steal Henry’s words? Even if I wrote them myself? Because I don’t know how else to say it, Sahar.
In my perfect world, you and I would be together.
A tear dropped on the letter, landing right on the wordperfect. She brushed it aside and set the letter down on her mattress to stop her sobs from ruining the ink.
And then, she wept. But it wasn’t a bad cry. For the first time in her life, it was love. Real,perfectlove.
SAHAR
I read the letter. I wept through it. Your words continue to be a fortress to me, Jay. Thank you for trusting me with them. I’d call and say all of this, but I think it should be in writing. (I can’t give you a letter right now, and I’m too impatient to keep you waiting.)
All this time, I only ever gave myself in fragments—I had no notion of what my perfect world would be like until you.
She clutched her phone to her chest and fell back on her bed, letting her heart flutter from joy. Real, incandescent joy.
33
JAY
Jay had read Sahar’s message over and over on the train last night. He’d called her quickly when he got home, wanting to check in, and he read it once more before turning in for the night.
She’d told him that she and Willa had made plans to visit Carmen in the afternoon and that they’d drop by the coffee shop to grab drinks before heading over.
It was 11 a.m. now and already too fucking hot outside, but at least, the morning rush was long over. Glancing down at the clipboard that held the daily schedule, Jay noticed that Dahlia had one more break left before her shift ended at one.
“Dahlia,” he said. “Go ahead and take your last fifteen.”
“Okay!”
The bell at the door dinged, and four teenagers walked in.Hell.Molly stepped up to the registers from behind the counter where she’d been getting new cups. “Welcome to Amanda’s Coffee. Let me know when you’re ready to order,” she greeted.
Seconds later, the door chimed again. Jay looked up.This motherfucker.It was Sahar’s ex. He had a girl with him, someone he didn’t recognize.
With Dahlia in the back, their new hire, Clark, was readying himself to make drinks.
