Page 128 of Absolute Certainty
Too much.
Too loud.
And Martin’s last words:Selfish whore.
The rage in Jay’s eyes burned right through her when she repeated the words aloud.
“I know I can be—” she started to say, but with a violent shake of his head, Jay stopped her.
“Sahar, don’t you dare try to reason or justify a word out of his mouth. Fuck,” he said, gravel grating in his voice. “Be clingy.You know how badly I’ve wanted the woman who’s a little loud when she’s talking about sports or video games? The woman who took my manuscript and held nothing back when she told me she wanted it to be happier? The woman who’s always looking out for others?I want her.” His fingers brushed along her shoulders in soothing motions. “I’m always going to want her.”
Tears fell from her eyes again. He wiped them away without complaints—no trace of irritation in his gaze.
“You know why they belittle you, don’t you?”
Her head shook so lightly that she wasn’t even sure she was reacting.
“Because they’re insecure little fucks who know they can’t hold a candle to you. There’s so much empathy in you that it makes everyone around you want to be better. You’re so passionate—so fucking bright and loyal that just existing in your orbit makes me want to try harder.Be better.And those assholes aren’t capable of growing, so they crush you so you won’t eclipse them.”
He took her hands, bracketing them in his large palms, before bringing them to his lips. “The thing is, your heart is so big that you don’t even expect anything from other people. You just keep giving parts of yourself freely. You hold everyone up, even while your hands are shaking in the process. You think I didn’t notice that all this time, while you’ve been propping up my characters and fighting for this story, that something was weighing you down? Thatsomeonehad dimmed your light?”
Taking a breath, Sahar closed her eyes and momentarily wondered if she’d been dreaming. But when she opened them back up, Jay was still looking at her, his gaze the very essence of hope.
He continued. “The people around you—Willa, your family, your friends—me. We’re the lucky ones,” he declared, delicately brushing his thumbs over the tears falling on her cheeks. “AndIwant to make sure Iearnyour trust and your light and your rage and your happiness.All of you.”
Wrapping her arms tightly around him again, Sahar nestled herself closer. Jay had already earned all those things. No one had ever come close.
Running his fingers along her back, he tipped his head to her ear, the softness of his lips an immediate fortress. “I know all of this is easier said than done. I know how fucked up our thoughts can be.”
Sahar looked up at him, loosening her grip. She tried to smile—to give him something—but she was so numbed by the crying, it came out pained.
Jay looked at his watch, then, taking note of the time, said, “I should get home. I have a 6 a.m. tomorrow. But I need to know you’re okay before I do.”
No, stay,she wanted to beg. Instead, she peered up at him. Stillness had returned to his gaze.
“I am,” she managed to say. “I’m sorry that I…” She stopped, the glare in his eyes telling hernotto apologize.
He wrapped her in his arms once more.Home.
“Thank you,” she whispered, hoping, wishing, and praying the words would suffice.
“For what?” he whispered back.
“All of it.”
Sahar watched him as he put his clothes back on, frustrated with herself for ruining what would’ve otherwise been a perfect night. Still, she was grateful for Jay. Grateful to finally have all her baggage out in the open. Suddenly, Jay reached into his back pocket for something, then pulled out his wallet.
Opening it, he took out a piece of paper and walked back to Sahar.
“You asked me to write Katherine’s letter to Henry, but I was struggling that night. The words weren’t coming. I couldn’t get out of my own head, so I wrote one to you instead,” he said, handing it to her.
Her eyes widened, and she took it from him, slowly. She ran her fingers along the edges, taking in the warmth as a result of how encased it’d been. Safe in his wallet. Had he justkeptit there this whole time?
Jay cleared his throat, “I didn’t think I’d ever give it to you. I kept it with me because I couldn’t—” He shook his head, shutting his eyes. “Keep it. Read it whenever you want a reminder of how important you are to me.”
The quiet, hopeful part of her heart that hadn’t spoken yet whispered a steady, sincere,believe him.
Sitting cross-legged on her bed,Sahar fixed her eyes on the folded letter in her hands.
