Page 89 of Leviticus
“Mama, I don’t know —” Adah stammered, but Mama was not about to hear it.
“That’s my point precisely. You simply have not been a natural mother yourself, yet, dear. Trust me. Ruth will be there, along with myself, your mother in law, and your sisters in law. It will help to lighten your burden to have the women of this child’s lineage surrounding his birth.” Mama’s words did not make a lick of sense. How would having all of us there help in the birth? Sure, I suppose having support would help, but Adah’s sisters in law were simply the worst. I tried to imagine what that would be like, to have such people surrounding me in such a time.
Honestly, even the thought of having Mama there didn’t bring me the comfort I thought it would. I would want Levi beside me, which was absolutely unheard of in such an event.
My mind was plagued with thoughts of what I would do when my own time came. So much so, that I didn’t even hear the Mama’s next question until Adah cleared her throat noisily.
“What was that Mama?” I asked sheepishly, feeling the blush bloom over my cheeks in embarrassment.
“Goodness, my child! Such distraction in that brain of yours. That’s no way for a wife to behave,” Mama scolded again.
“You are right, Mama. I was lost in thoughts of my own child,” I murmured, deciding that the truth was the best in that moment.
“Oh, tell me it’s true! Are you with child?” Mama asked with so much excitement she was literally bouncing up and down in her seat, the crumbs from the biscuit in her hand crumbling messily on the tabletop.
“Oh, heaven’s no. Not yet, Mama. My cycle isn’t due until —” my words cut off abruptly as I filled in the answer mentally. Three days ago. My cycle was not due until three days ago. Three days. And it most certainly had not arrived.
“Oh blessed be! Blessed be! Two married daughters, two daughters with child. Finally.” The last word she spoke with a look towards Adah. I was disgusted. How had I never seen the way she treated Adah?
I could not stay on that thought process for long, however. Not when there was the possibility that I was truly with child. With Levi’s child. Our child.
How would he feel about it? Would he be happy? Would he be upset?
I thought back on that day during our honeymoon, where he thought perhaps I was already with child. When I had told him I wasn’t, the look of utter relief on his face had spoken volumes. And while we were in a much better place than we ever had been that day, I did not truly know what he would think about having a child with me now. We had not gotten to that part of our discussions. Surely he would not be cross. Surely he would be happy. But what if —
“Ruth! Goodness, child, please learn to focus. That is not how a godly wife should behave. If I were to act as such, your father would rightly have to put my in my place! Mind your manners or you will be sorry!” My mother’s words brought me back to the here and now and I did my best to push thoughts of a child away to a safe corner of my mind, at least until my company had left.
Then I would have to figure out how to talk to Levi.
The rest of our conversations that mid-morning went by in a blur. Before I had time to realize it, both Mama and Adah were donning their coats and father was picking them up. My father gave me a curt nod of salutation and then slipped back into the car and they puttered off down the road.
That was it. That was all the interaction I had had with my father since my wedding day. Somehow, this made me more sad than almost anything else had. I knew why. In my father’s mind, and as we were taught, he was no longer my father. I had torn away from my family, at their behest, and had cleaved to my new husband, forming a new family. I suppose I just had never expected to lose my original family in the process.
Perhaps I was with child. Emotions were flooding over my like a tidal wave.
It was late afternoon by the time they had left and I found myself not wanting to talk to Levi, as I had planned. He emerged from his office with a smile on his face, but I could not return it.
“Let’s make a small dinner of finger foods and sit together in front of the fire. What do you think?” He asked so excitedly, I was sad to turn him down. But I had to.
“I think I need some space.” My words came out calmly, somewhat detached. After all, that’s how I felt. I saw the disappointment wipe away his smile. I saw his expression turn from happy, to disappointed, to concerned.
“Are you okay, Ruth?” he asked sincerely.
“I am. I just need a little space. Is that okay?” I asked, feeling tired all of a sudden.
“Of course. Take all the time you need. Just, just don’t shut me out, okay?” The vulnerability in his words, in his expression, moved me nearly to tears. I could feel them welling up in my eyes.
“I won’t. I promise.” I pushed through a tightness in my throat. I turned away from him, then, and made my way upstairs. I prepared a bath slowly, hoping the hot water, the fragrant steam, and the solitude would somehow clear my mind and ready me for the conversation to come.
My hopes were all for naught, however. Soon, the light of day had passed into the darkness of night. I had not even noticed, probably would not have noticed, if Levi had not come upstairs in search of me.
“Ruth?” he asked quietly, somewhat hesitantly, from the doorway.
“Yes?” I returned, surprised to hear his voice.
“May I come in?”
“Of course,” I answered with a sigh. He opened the bathroom door and made his way in, his hands firmly in his pockets, though I could see the way they still fidgeted.
