Page 42 of Leviticus
“Because I feel the same thing.”
“What do you mean, you feel the same thing?” I questioned.
“I feel that same pull to this lifestyle you speak of. I just didn’t know it until now.” She smiled up at me with such happiness, and, try as I might, I couldn’t believe it.
“That’s not possible,” I pushed, dropping her hand from my grasp.
“Why not?” she protested, her brow furrowing again.
“You’re just saying that because you think it’s what I want to hear,” I pushed, standing and beginning my pacing again. “Ruth, I take great pride in the honesty I have conveyed here today. Please do me the same courtesy and do not spout words you simply think I want to hear.
“That’s not fair. I listened to everything you had to say. My words are just as honest. I just didn’t know that this lifestyle existed. Now I do and now I want to know more. It makes sense to me, too,” she fought.
“That’s impossible,” I urged, doubling down on my stubbornness.
“Oh, yeah?” she asked, that flippant attitude back as she stood and stormed out of the room. What the hell?
“Ruth, don’t just stomp away from me!’ I called out down the hallway as she made her way up towards our room.
“I’ll be right back. You can wait.” That attitude was back in full force. She came storming back into the room with a stack of small black notebooks, journals more like it.
“Here. Read these and you’ll understand,” she stated, dropping them onto my desk and crossing her arms in front of her. “Then maybe we can have a truly open conversation. With that, she turned tail and stormed right back out of the room. Moments later I heard our bedroom door slam and I winced in response. I had pissed her off. I hadn’t meant to. I wasn’t even sure how I had.
She wanted me to read these? I picked one up, opening the cover to see that it was from two years ago. I thumbed through it, turning to a random page.
I don’t know what it is, but seeing Adah with her husband, seeing her obey his words, at dinner tonight, did something to me. I felt this need well up within me and I wanted to do the same. I hope that someday I have a husband I can obey.
But I don’t just want to obey him. I don’t want it to be like Adah and Josiah. I want to know that in exchange for the obedience I give him, that he will care for me. That he will love me unconditionally and protect me all the days of my life.
I sat there, stone still for a long moment. I checked the dates a second and then a third time. This was two years ago, but it was as though she had plucked the words straight out of our conversations.
I picked up another journal, this one stating it was from only a year ago and began thumbing through it as well until I found a page that resonated.
I wonder if all men are as vile as Josiah is. Over the last year, since they were married, he has been awful to her. Mama and Father act like its perfectly normal, but it can’t be, can it? They have been married for nearly two years and still no babies. Surely that happens. Surely, as her husband, he would understand and he would see how it plagues her so. But he scolds her, as though it’s all her fault. Even in front of the family!
That is not the life I want. I hope that my husband will honor me just as I honor him. That he will care for me when I am heartbroken. That if the same were to happen to me, that he would take me in his arms and kiss my forehead. That he would love me through our trials and tribulations.
Everything she was describing was … Well, it wasn’t Leviticus Temple. It was Levi. It was me as a Dominant. I reached for another, this one was recent, dating from this year, though it was full already.
Leviticus Temple. It’s official. I am to be wed to a Temple brother. I find myself worried. Worried about all the normal things, if Adah and Mama are to be trusted. But, aside from that, I worry about something much deeper. I don’t want a husband who I just have to obey. I want a husband who is so much more. Who is my partner and my best friend. I want to be able to talk to him about anything, for him to talk to me about everything.
Mama and Father rarely speak, and when they do, it’s never full of love. I want a marriage filled with love. And care. And respect.
I’m not sure if that’s even possible. I haven’t seen it here. Mama and Father don’t love each other, at least not in the passionate way I would imagine. They respect each other, but how could you not, after four children? Adah and Josiah — they don’t love or respect one another, though Adah still puts on quite the show anytime we are around here. After they adopted Eunice, I would have thought they would have had that love. But it wasn’t so.
I hope that it is different for Leviticus and myself. I hope that we have love. I hope that we talk kindly to one another.
I set the journal aside for a moment. I had been wrong about Ruth. So very wrong.
I spent the rest of the day, and well into the evening, reading her journals. I found the oldest of them and read on, engrossed in her words. She was funny. Far funnier than I had ever expected. She was insightful, and full of a passion I hadn’t expected. It was what kept me enthralled by her words. All of her, every bit, was incredible.
How had I sat here for the last ten days, and not known a damned thing about the woman sitting across from me? I was a damn fool. That’s how.
When the daylight had turned into moonlight and the clock read 2:00 a.m. I finally finished the last of her journals. Malachi and Ollie had been right. She was a natural submissive, and it had nothing to do with her training here at Zion. It had everything to do with just plain Ruth.
Her journals also showed me another side of her; this strong and fierce woman who had essentially been caged up her entire life. Just as I felt I had. We had so much more in common than I could have ever dreamed. She was so much more than I could have ever dreamed. Perhaps I had grossly underestimated her. No matter, it was time for a change.
CHAPTER12
