Page 48 of Senseless
Anger and hopelessness hit me like a fist to the chest. Fuck it all. Just…fuck everything.
My knees buckled and I let myself fall, a choked sound escaping my throat. I wasn’t crying, I was too stunned, too angry.
Why?
I couldn’t stop looking at them, that infernal question on repeat in my head.Just, why?
They would need proper burials, but I couldn’t carry them all back with me. I needed to get Slick medical attention right away or I’d lose him too, but my knees felt cemented to the ground.
It felt like we had no chance of winning.
I wanted to lie down and give up.
Mari…I wasn’t sure why my thoughts turned to her in that moment.We need you back so bad. We can’t do this without you.
Something answered me.
A warm breeze passed over me like a soft caress on my cheek, and I felt the distinct pressure of something wrapping around me. Supporting me.
Your love will return to you.Freyja’s voice seemed to whisper in my mind, while also echoing across the mountains. She spoke gently into my ear and vibrated over my skin.Your men are at rest. Their sacrifice was not in vain, but you must get the young one home now.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I confessed to the bodies lying in front of me, to the air and mountains surrounding me. “They’re just killing us all.”
I cannot make you, but you can, Jandro. You must. Dig deep, my son. I promise you, the strength of your love is there and it will not fail you.
I wanted to lean forward and hit the dirt like all the bodies lying facedown. I wanted to scream about the unfairness of it all. I wanted to hold Mari against my chest and hearhervoice instead of Freyja’s.
But I braced one hand against the rock and brought one foot underneath me, then the other. Then I headed back down to the road to get Slick and my bike.
Fifteen
MARIPOSA
Ipaced back and forth in my room, all but certain that I was wearing new grooves into the floorboards.
My bed was made, and on top of it sat my packed bag. I should have beeninbed, getting a good night's sleep so I could catch an early ride back to Four Corners in the morning. Because I clearly was not needed, let alone wanted, here.
But I couldn't sleep. Nor could I leave now in the frozen dead of night. And I sure as hell could not ignore the pull to the room down the hall and to the left of mine.
I had come back to my room and packed things up in a hurry after seeing Shadow in the library. I heard his footsteps, more heavy and solid than anyone else's here, make their way to his own room a few hours ago.
I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to cry and scream and punch at his chest. I wanted to leave without saying anything. So I settled for pacing, back and forth.
Horus had been noticeably absent and silent ever since I got here. For all his insistence thatnowwas the time, and all this growth that was supposed to be happening, the whole trip seemed pretty pointless.
The only point I could see was about hurting myself deeper. To keep my hopes alive, come all this way, only to be completely dashed by Shadow himself. Why would he ever want to leave? He did work he loved and was surrounded by women. He didn't need me anymore. He didn'twantme anymore.
That last thought slowed my pacing to a halt, the ache in my chest spreading like ice through the rest of my body. Oh, it hurt, and I sucked in a shaky breath.
"Fuck it," I muttered, grabbing my doorknob and turning it with a hard pull.
I forced every step, marching toward Shadow's room, the pain of his earlier rejection thumping with every beat of my racing heart. I had no plan of what to say or do as I raised my fist and knocked at his door. Maybe I'd just put a smile on and say goodbye, that I wished him well. Maybe I'd cry and make an utter fool of myself. With the luck I'd been having, maybe I'd be interrupting him balls-deep inside Jen or that pretty brunette from the library.
Whatever the outcome, I knew it was unlikely to change this all-encompassing ache throughout my whole body. I wasn't really hoping for a different outcome. Mostly, I was just so sad that I'd failed and wanted to see him one last time.
The door pulled open and Shadow stared at me, for a moment looking just as frozen as I felt. His hair was damp like he recently had a shower, the snug, heather grey T-shirt still had a few wet spots on his shoulders. He wore black sweatpants and was barefoot.
"Mari-posa." He forced out my full name with an air of surprise. "Are you okay?"
