Page 54 of Fall I Want
Right now, you’re only fifteen years old, and I know I won’t live to see you turn sixteen. It hurts knowing I won’t be here to watch you become a man or fall in love or have a family. I often smile when I imagine the future, knowing you’ll accomplish greatness. You work hard and put your full self into all that you do. I am proud of you.
Out of everything that has come with my diagnosis, understanding that my time is running out is the mostdifficult one to comprehend. Time. It doesn’t matter how many numbers are in anyone’s bank account, because it’s the only thing money can’t buy us more of. I’ve tried to cherish the passing seconds with you and Harper this season, and I have.
I know you find all the pictures I took annoying; however, I think you’ll appreciate them now. But please, don’t be sad for me. Know that when I leave this earth, I’ll go with a happy and grateful heart, because the day you were born, every one of my dreams became a reality.
You made me a mom, something I didn’t know was possible. And I’ll live forever through you and Harper. Knowing that brings me joy.
Zane, I’ve had this conversation with you several times before, but I need you to promise that you’ll always be true to yourself and will follow your heart. It will never guide you wrong.
The weight of the world doesn’t matter, all that does is how you spend your life. I know the pressures of the business and who you are have already taken their toll. None of it matters. You are an Alexander, but most of all, you are my son.
You have the power to do whatever you want in life, so choose what makes you happy. Take more risks. Dance in the rain. Swim in the sea. Ski off-trail. Love with your full heart. Magic is in the moment. Magic is all around us. I hope you can still find it.
Never forget who you are, but don’t let it define your every move in your life, either. Or I swear I’ll come back and haunt you. (You are supposed to laugh here too.)
I will always be with you, my son. I’ll visit you in butterfly flutters. I promise.
Love you for eternity,
Mom
P.S. Since you’ve always loved a scavenger hunt, know thirteen notes hide in different places in the house. You’ll discover them when you need them the most. What number is this? If I had to guess, I’d say the first.
My jaw is tight as a few tears stream down my cheeks and splash onto the soft cream paper. Now, I’m able to smile recalling the memories we had, but it took years. Grief changes a person; no child should have to heal from that.Ever.I tuck the letter back into the top drawer, flick off the lights, and leave the house because the air inside feels too thick.
As I stand on the back porch, I close my eyes and breathe deep.
My phone vibrates, and I’m thankful. Right now, I need the distraction.
Autumn
Dress code tonight?
A smile touches my lips.
Zane
We’ll be outdoors. Meet you at 6:45.
Autumn
And I’ve figured out what we’re doing based on one text.
Zane
A pumpkin patch for my pumpkin.
She pulls me out of my spiral, and thoughts of her twirl and dance in my mind for the rest of the day. I count down the minutes to when I’ll see her again.
At six, I drive down the mountain. The Jeep is topless and I’m thankful I wore a light jacket. The pumpkin patch opens this evening at seven and the mayor is giving a speech with a champagne toast. My goal is to attend as many events as possible. I came to Cozy Hollow to live a little and to relax.
By some miracle, I find a place to park. I hop out and walk the three blocks toward Autumn’s apartment. The sidewalks are busy with tourists, so I keep my eyes focused forward and my mind wanders to Autumn.
I’ve tried to forget her hot breath on my mouth or how her tongue twisted against mine as emotions poured through me. She grabbed on to me for dear life as we fell into the abyss together. Neither of us was in control and we couldn’t save ourselves.
I take the stairs leading up to her apartment and knock on her door.
“Who’s there?” she asks on the other side and I swear I hear her laugh.
