Page 64 of No Going Back
Griffin’s blue eyes held hers as the rain clinging to his hair dripped down his face. “What if I can’t? What if I can’t be what they need me to be?”
The fear in his voice broke her heart almost as much as the understanding that she wasn’t the only one who carried voices from the past.
The ones that tell you you’re not enough. That you will always be lacking.
But while she faced them, dug them from all the places they hid and replanted words of her own, Griffin tried to bury his deeper. Tried to pretend they were gone forever.
But that just gave them room to grow roots.
“What they need you to be is what you’ve always been.” Dianna brought her hands to his face, forcing his eyes to stay on hers.
Because if he wouldn’t dig those fuckers up then she would.
“You have shown up for them since day one. You’ve been there.” She stood a little taller, spoke a little louder, as if she could shove the truth into his brain with sheer volume. “You sold your house. You restructured your business. You moved your whole life. You wanted to be there for them and you figured out how to make it happen. You will figure this out too.” She softened her voice just a little. “You figure shit out, remember?”
Griffin’s eyes moved over her face as the wind whipped around them, carrying a wave of chilly mist that was mostly blocked by his big body. “You make it sound easy.”
Dianna shook her head. “Oh, it won’t be.” She smoothed away some of the rain on his skin. “But you take it one step at a time.” She focused on where her fingers brushed over the salt and peppery hairs peeking out along his jawline. “And sometimes you accidentally go back instead of forward, but all that matters is you keep trying.”
She’d gone backward more times than she could count. Had moments where she laid on the bathroom floor and cried, wrapped up in regret and remorse. Longing for what might have been. But those moments needed to happen. She had to grieve to go on. And if all this went the worst possible way, Griffin would need that too.
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again. “I don’t think I deserve you, Di.”
The admission was unexpected, but maybe not as shocking as it might have been ten minutes ago. Before today it never occurred to her that someone like Griffin would carry the same kind of demons she did. That he would feel lacking or deficient in any way.
But it explained a lot.
“I thought this was my second chance. I thought—” Griffin’s voice cracked.
“It can’t be your second chance if you never had a first chance, Griffin.” She understood what he was trying to say, but it wasn’t the reality of the situation. “You weren’t responsible for not being in Troy’s life.” Her eyes searched his, looking for some sign that he understood. “That’s someone else’s burden to bear. Let them fucking carry it.”
It’d been one of the first realizations she’d come to after her divorce. She was trying to take full responsibility for what happened. Trying to feel like she had some power over all of it. But she didn’t. Someone else took it from her and then left her smothered under the weight of failure. Failure that wasn’t hers. Failure she now refused to own.
Hopefully one day Griffin would do the same.
Griffin’s clinging fingers relaxed the tiniest bit, his hold on her gentling. “You’re fucking amazing, Di.”
The initial reaction to blow his complement off was still there, but it was weak and short-lived. “Thank you.” She gave him a little smile, tracing the path of a waterdrop as it slid down his temple. “You’re pretty fantastic yourself.”
Griffin opened his mouth then stopped. He tucked his chin, taking just a second before responding. “Thank you.”
Her smile widened with pride and a little relief. She didn’t want to settle again. And being with someone she could talk to—someone who would talk to her—wasn’t anything she was willing to do without.
Another gust of wind cut across the porch, but this one came from a different direction and slapped her body with a heavy pelt of cold rain that immediately sank into the T-shirt and joggers she was wearing. A full body shiver seized her muscles as her skin and nipples pulled so tight they almost hurt.
Griffin frowned. “Apparently I’m not fantastic enough to get you in out of the cold and the rain.” He pulled her body against his, hauling her across the porch and through the door, releasing her only long enough to kick off his boots. Then he grabbed her again, hands coming to her face as his mouth found hers, hungry, needy, and a little desperate.
She understood completely. What just happened made her feel closer to him. More connected. It also made her want to soothe the upset he was still certainly fighting. Offer a distraction she knew he desperately needed. And maybe a little bit of a reward for being so vulnerable. She didn’t want him to associate this moment with only suffering.
Dianna fisted her hands in the front of his wet shirt, using the hold to drag him through her tiny house as Griffin’s mouth bumped against hers in hot, claiming kisses that bordered on being a little messy as they rushed down the hall. The second he was in her room she raked the clinging cotton up his chest, fighting the distraction of his warm skin until the thing was falling toward the floor. She flattened her palms against the solid width of his chest, sliding them down his front, eyes rolling closed as his lips skimmed the sensitive skin of her neck.
“You are so fucking perfect.” Griffin grabbed at her clothes, managing to remove them much more efficiently than she did his, and before she realized it, her body was bare and his touch was everywhere. “So fucking soft and sweet.” He wrapped one arm around her waist, pinning her body to his, the damp fabric of his jeans rubbing the fronts of her thighs as he pushed her toward the bed. Griffin gave her body a little shove with his, sending her falling back to the blankets she’d spent the day washing. His eyes skimmed down her frame, filled with reverence.
But her first reaction was still to hide. To cover the body so many people had judged and found lacking. It took all the control she had to stay still. To let his gaze slide over the way the weight of her breasts slid to the side. The way the full curve of her belly indented at her middle. The selection of dimples clustered along her thighs.
She’d been ashamed of it for so long. Punished it for not living up to the expectations of small-minded men and judgmental women.
Griffin reached out to slide the tips of his fingers up one of the thighs that carried her through life, offering support and strength. “Fucking perfect.”
