Page 61 of No Going Back
“That’s a good idea.” Dianna pointed her fork his direction. “You’re pretty smart.”
Griffin took a deep breath, the way he always did when she offered an opening like this, bracing for whatever might come next. “You’re probably the first person to ever accuse me of being smart.”
Dianna tipped her head to one side, giving him a disbelieving stare. “No way.”
He shrugged, doing his best to act unbothered. “I didn’t even go to real high school, Di. I was in a work program because I struggled so much in the regular classes.”
It was something he’d only ever admitted to one other person, and that was Troy. Even then, he’d only done it because he didn’t want his son to feel like he was alone in his struggles. He wanted to carry a little of the responsibility Troy felt over an issue he’d clearly passed on to him.
“That doesn’t mean you’re not smart.” Dianna used her fork to cut off another chunk of custardy bread. “Book smart isn’t the only kind of smart that exists.” She shoved the bite into her mouth before poking her fork toward his house next door. “I’ve only seen part of what you know how to do and it’s really impressive. You have to be pretty damn smart to understand how all that renovation stuff works.”
He wanted to argue, but disagreeing would only show her the full depth of how bothered he still was by all the things adults said about him when he was a kid. Not that his parents were a part of that. They couldn’t be bothered to say anything about him at all. But teachers. Counselors. Student advisers. They all had plenty of opinions about his potential, and none of them were good.
“As long as you think I’m smart, that’s all that matters to me.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her temple, willing his words to be true. Dianna was brilliant and sweet and kind. Her opinion should carry more weight than people who were probably long dead now.
That was part of the reason he preferred not to revisit old feelings. Because, as much as he hated to admit it, they still tried to matter even though they shouldn’t.
“I’m positive I’m not the only one who thinks you’re smart.” She cut off another bite and held it out for him. “I’m willing to bet Troy also thinks you’re smart since you were able to help him renovate not only Amelie’s grandmother’s house, but also help him with the addition he’s putting on the back of his.”
Griffin took the offered bite, using it as an opportunity to avoid answering. But deep down he hoped she was right. He wanted his son to think he was a decent human. One who was good enough to be his dad.
“What are you going to do today?” He eased the conversation back into more comfortable waters, needing a little break from the past he worked hard to keep where it belonged. “Lots of rest and relaxation?”
Dianna laughed softly. “If that’s what you call laundry and cleaning the house, then yes. I will be doing plenty of relaxing.”
“I can help when I get back.” He was stuck in an odd place. One that didn’t sit well. He normally looked forward to his Sundays out at Cross Creek. Couldn’t wait to head out to visit Troy and Amelie and spend the day with them. But today he was torn. Caught between his desire to see his son and his desire to stay here with Dianna.
“I’m sure that would be a ridiculously fun way for you to spend your evening.” She rocked her head toward him, resting her temple against his shoulder. “Cleaning someone else’s house.”
“It wouldn’t be cleaning someone else’s house. It would be cleaning your house.” He reached out to slide his hands along the length of her thick dark hair, enjoying the feel of the soft strands. “And I fully expect you to return the favor when my house is finished.”
Dianna’s bark of laughter was immediate. “Don’t make your decision to buy the biggest house in Moss Creek my problem.” Her smile was wide as she jabbed at him with one finger. “You should probably start looking for a housekeeper now, because I’m not sure anyone’s going to have enough time in their schedule for that place.”
She was teasing him. He knew that. But she also wasn’t wrong.
He’d been so excited to finally find a project that would occupy his time, he didn’t fully think through the enormity of it. Not just the project itself, but the house in general.
Griffin swallowed hard. “I thought about seeing if Troy and Amelie would want to trade me.” He focused on the weave of the blanket, instead of the difficulty of the conversation. “It’s the house for a family, not a house for an old guy living alone.”
Dianna wrinkled her nose. “First of all, you’re not old.” She inched closer, her focus on his face. “And you have a family. You have a son and daughter-in-law and soon you’re going to have a grandson.”
Griffin lifted his eyes to hers. “They might come over on the weekends, but a house like that should have kids running through it all the time.”
It was one of many parts of his past he chose not to dwell on. Purposefully focused hard on not allowing to come up. At one point, when he was young and stupid, he thought he’d have the chance to prove he could be a better parent than the ones fate dealt him. That he might not have been given the family he wanted, but he’d have the chance to create it instead. But as the years went by, it started to become clear that wasn’t in the cards either, so he threw himself even more into his job, making it his entire focus.
Then he found out about Troy and those old hopes tried to creep back in.
But this time they carried the knowledge that he could have had it. It had been there all along. Someone just took it away. Ripped the rug out from under him before he realized he was standing on it.
Dianna watched him for a second longer before turning to stare across the yard. “I wanted to be a mom.” Her next breath was shaky, but she kept talking. “I tried to get pregnant when I was married, but it never happened.” She slid her plate onto the little table beside the swing. “Turns out I have something they call polycystic ovary syndrome and it makes it hard to get pregnant.” She lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “I know it was for the best. I can only imagine how much more horrible everything would have been if there’d been a child in the mix.” Her gaze came to his, emotion filling her eyes. “And I’m happy with my life now, but some days I still wish that could have happened for me.”
She made it seem so easy, to open up, to share the most painful parts of her life. It made him ashamed it wasn’t as simple for him, but also made him want to push through. Made him force something out no matter how difficult it was. “I will never not regret missing out on Troy’s life. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel that way, does that make sense?”
Dianna nodded, her hand sliding into his. “Complete sense.”
Griffin fought to keep going. To give her more of what she wanted. What she deserved. “I think that’s part of the reason I’m so excited about the baby. I know he’s not mine, but it feels like Troy and I will get to experience fatherhood for the first time together.”
Finding out he was going to be a grandfather gave him hope he never had. Hope that he would get to be a part of helping raise a kid. Hope that he would finally get all those things he believed would never be his.
