Page 34 of X's and O's
She put her hand into mine, and though her skin was warm and soft, the shake was stiff.
“It’s nice to meet you,” I finally said.
She bit her lip, dropping my hand and plastering hers to her sides. “Congratulations on getting out.”
I nodded, but it was without enthusiasm. “Thanks.”
We both stared at each other, the awkwardness in the air between us so thick you could have cut it with a knife.
I shoved my hands in my pockets. “So, uh, how are you?”
She nodded fast. “Fine. You?”
“Fine.”
Her white top teeth sank into her perfect bottom lip, and I had to fight the urge to reach over and pop it free.
Every part of me wanted to touch her. The brief meeting of our hands wasn’t even close to enough. If Istood here any longer, I knew without a doubt, the barely held control I had was going to snap, and I was going to pull her into my arms and beg her for a chance I didn’t deserve.
Then she’d be dragged down with me. Into the fucking dirt with a man who was probably too institutionalized to function outside of the prison walls. A man who was probably going to have to accept Boyd’s offer of dealing because he couldn’t find honest work. Trying to hold on to her would be the most selfish fucking thing I could have done. I’d been living in some fantasy world, thinking I could leave a prison I’d spent over two thousand days in, and just take up like any regular man on the outside.
“Violet, I—”
She held up a hand, her bottom lip quivering just a tiny bit. “It’s okay. I understand.”
I squinted at her. “You understand what?”
She shrugged. “I’m not what you expected and you don’t find me attractive. It’s okay. Actually, I expected it, really.”
I shook my head. “Wait. What?”
But she went on, talking fast, filling the silence with babble. “I shouldn’t have asked to meet you. I should have just left things alone, the way they were. But I don’t blame you at all. I really don’t. Look at you.”
“Look at me?” I was so fucking confused.
Her laugh turned a little bitter. “You’re gorgeous. You probably had a lineup of women around the block, waiting for you to get out.” She stared down at the ground, stubbing it with the toe of her boot. “God, I’m so stupid.”
“No, you’re not.”
“What do you call falling for a random prison inmate then?”
Her words were harsh. Like a slap in the face. I couldn’t get my mouth to work quick enough.
“I don’t even blame you for not wanting me. I wouldn’t either. I’m not even good for a quick fuck in the bushes, am I? God, I never should have told you how inexperienced I was. This is so mortifying.”
It was like she was spewing every insecurity she’d ever had at me. Or worse, like I’d triggered them. Her eyes went glassy with unshed tears, and she spun away quickly, wiping at her eyes as she stormed into the darkness.
I caught her arm. “Wait, Violet. It’s not you—”
She spun around and shoved me in the chest. “Don’t! Do not say it’s you, not me. Of course it’s me! Nobody says that to tiny pretty women, Levi! You think I don’t know that? God. Just go. Please. Leave me alone.”
I stared after her, unable to fucking breathe for the hurt on her face.
Hurt that I’d caused.
It cut through me, sharp and brutal.
I wanted to go after her. Explain that it really was me who was messed up in the head and didn’t deserve her. But I couldn’t bear the thought of causing her another second of pain.
