Page 24 of Breaking the Ice
“A reality check.”
“You mean, a reminder that he’s off-limits? Or a plausible explanation for why you had a ‘moment’ on the couch even though you’re not attracted to him?”
“You suck,” Gavin ground out.
“I think you want both.”
“If I take this job, I’m not going to touch him,” Gavin said.
“And you want me to agree with that assessment?”
Gavin nodded. He respected Jon’s opinion—after all, he’d gotten him through the worst of the grief. Helped him build his numbness and then rightly pushed him when he’d gotten too used to it. He hadn’t necessarilylikedthe process, but he couldn’t deny how good at this Jon was.
If Jon told him he shouldn’t—that hecouldn’t—do anything with Zach, then he’d believe it.
“I don’t know him, so it’s impossible to say what the right course of action is,” Jon said.
Gavin ground his teeth together. “You don’t have to know him. You knowme. You know I can’t.”
“Why? Because you wanted to believe you were dead too? You’re not. You’re coming back to life—leaning into it. Why not this too?”
“Because it’s . . .because it would be wrong. So fucking wrong.”
Jon tilted his head. “Because he’s younger than you? He’s twenty-seven and seems to have a decent head on his shoulders. Is he your direct report?”
Gavin shook his head. “But that doesn’t matter. I can’t date again. I can’t . . .I just can’t.” Gavin’s throat closed over, panic streaking through him at even the idea of it.
“You did say that. Many times,” Jon said. “Maybe it’s not that you can’t, it’s not that youshouldn’t, it’s that you’re not ready to take that step.”
“Right, right. No.” He wouldn’t ever be ready, but maybe that was enough to keep himself in check. A necessary and vital reminder that nothing could ever happen, if he was tempted.
Jon shot him a look, and Gavin forced himself not to squirm on the stool. “Why do I sense that you’re not really agreeing with me?”
“I don’t know why you’d say that,” Gavin protested.
“Right.” Jon leaned a fraction closer to the screen. “I think this is going to be good for you. But it’s going to be a shock to your system.”
“Are you talking about Zach or the job?”
Jon looked unimpressed, like he’d figured out that Gavin had just been looking for another excuse to sayZach.
“I’m talking about rejoining the land of the living,” Jon said.
“Yeah. Right. Well . . .how about I promise not to be a stranger this time?” If he went back and took the job, well, he’dneedsupport. Maybe that was why he’d really emailed Jon. He’d already known he wanted to take it. Why else hadn’t he been able to throw out that card Zach had left?
He’d even gotten jealous over whatever other coach they’d offer the job to next.
He should’ve realized all of these things. So much for all the work he and Jon had done on knowing himself.
He hadn’t even realized what he wanted.
“That sounds good,” Jon said.
That was the moment it hit him.
Other coaches.
Zach and Sidney Swift could’ve already offered the job to someone else. Six days later the deal could already be done.
