Page 94 of Breaking the Ice
But desire didn’t equal reality.
He’d promised himself, a hundred times, athousandtimes, that he wouldn’t do this. Always before, he’d managed to pull back at the last moment, but he hadn’t this time. He wasn’t stupid; he’d known exactly why Zach cornered him in the hallway. Zach had given him plenty of outs. Plenty of chances to leave. To laugh it off. But he hadn’t.
Instead, Gavin had been an exposed nerve of pure fuckingneed, and he’d just given in to the onslaught, when he should’ve been remembering all the very good reasons he had to keep his distance.
“Oh, there you two are.” A voice echoed through the hallway. Gavin was afraid to look and see if it was Ramsey, because God knew, he could probably figure out immediately what they were doing.
But it wasn’t Ramsey. It was Brody, who flicked a glance between them, a crease between his brows, like he thought he might know what he was witnessing but some part of it didn’t quite compute.
Thank God for small favors.
“Yes,” Gavin said, clearing his throat. “We’re righthere.”
“Right here,” Zach said, voice rough.
“You missed the ball drop but it’s okay. There’s still some champagne left.”
“Right, okay.” Gavin nodded. “Lead the way.”
He could feel Zach following him, could feel Zach’s eyes on him, burning right into his skin, as they rejoined the rest of the team.
Forty minutes later, the party was breaking up, and Gavin couldstillfeel Zach’s eyes on him. Even though he’d been talking to Finn and Jacob, and Zach had been on the other side of the group, chatting easily with Mal and Elliott and Ivan, Brody and Dean chiming in every few minutes, he justknewZach was watching him, carefully.
Watching and waiting for an opportunity to come over and say casually, “Oh, we’re going the same way? I’ll walk with you.”
Then somehow, they’d end up in Gavin’s house, and they’d kiss again, and probably more, and it would be simultaneously glorious and the worst thing Gavin had ever done.
He had to tell him something—but maybe that could wait. Maybe he could put it off, for a few days. At least until his lips didn’t taste like Zach’s every time he licked them.
At least until the memory wasn’t burning a hole in his brain.
But of course, that wasn’t how it worked out.
Ending up standing outside the arcade with Zach as Finn and Jacob said their goodbyes and melted into the night was probably karma intervening and paying him back for touching Zach in the first place.
The sidewalks around them were empty, with absolutely nothing to distract from the fact that it was just the two of them.
“So, uh, well,” Zach said, giving him a bashful glance from under long lashes. Like he hadn’t been the guy pushing right into Gavin’s space and kissing him first less than an hour ago.
Gavin steeled himself. There was a part of him that knew he could just talk around it. Say he was tired, they had an early morning, etcetera, and then put this horrible conversation off for another day or two.
But another day or two wasn’t going to change anything, and maybe it was better to just plunge right into the fire.
“Zach, we need to talk.” His tone wasn’t gentle just for Zach; he was trying to take it easy on himself, too.
Zach’s face, eager and boyish, fell so fast. Gavin ignored the spreading pain soaring through him in a dizzying wave.
“Are you really going to do this again?”
“I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have—” He couldn’t sayI shouldn’t have let you do that,because Gavin had been a full and enthusiastic participant. He’d known exactly what Zach was going to do, and he’d let him do it anyway. “It’s my fault. I keep letting this happen and I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.”
There was a flash of the same agony that Gavin felt across Zach’s face, then it was wiped clean. He shoved his hands into his pockets and shot Gavin a stony glare.
“You really are, I guess.”
Gavin didn’t know what to say. How to even explain. He couldn’t even fucking explain it tohimself.
He just knew whenever he thought of keeping this going—of seeing it to its natural conclusion—hugging Zach and kissing him anddatinghim, he felt so sick to his stomach with guilt andhorror he knew he couldn’t. How could he ever face himself in the mirror knowing that he’d just moved on, easy as that?
