Page 8 of Breaking the Ice
He didn’t. He hadn’t wanted to hear the beginning or the middle either, but like an idiot, he waved his hand for Zach to continue.
It was really stupid but he couldn’t seem to stop himself.
Zach finished and then for a long moment, there was silence.
Zach still looked a little angry, like he couldn’t quite believe Gavin had made him go through the whole thing. Gavin couldn’t really believe he’d done it either.
“Well,” Zach finally said. “That’s it.”
“I listened to it,” Gavin said as diplomatically as he could. It should be very easy to get the next word out. Theno. Thenohad come very easily to him for the last four years, but now the word was stuck in his throat. Instead, he cleared it and said, “So, since I listened, I think you should tell me why you quit playing hockey.”
Gavin leaned over, pulled the fridge open, and grabbed two more beers. He shouldn’t care about this, shouldn’t feel like something he’d wanted, that he’d believed in, had turned out to be false. This wasZach’slife, not his.
But it still stung.
“And,” Gavin added, “don’t tell me the beer league where you demolished everyone wasreallyplayinghockey. Why did you quit the NHL?”
“I didn’tquit,” Zach said mulishly. “I fucking retired.”
“If you’re not even thirty, you didn’t retire.”
“I didn’t expect that you’d be an asshole about this.” He didn’t tell Gavin what he’d expected he would be an asshole about, but then it was obvious, wasn’t it?
He’d actually been pretty nice about the job offer. He’d let Zach get through the whole spiel. Hadn’t actually said the wordno, even.
Gavin pushed that thought away. “I’m not being an asshole.”
“Kind of looks like it from here.”
“I just wanna know why it didn’t work out. When . . .” Gavin swallowed hard. He’d meant it, earlier. He didn’t want to talk about it. Hecould,but he neverwantedto. “You were playing. Playing well. Second line, if I remember. The Mavs had high hopes for you. Maybe not the foundation of the franchise, but the future looked promising.Yourfuture looked promising.”
Zach huffed. “Am I allowed to sayIdon’t want to talk about it?” He took a long drink of beer.
It was inexcusable, and heshouldfeel guilty about it, but he pinned on his best “fuck around and find out” Coach look and shook his head.
“You’ve got a funny way of not being an asshole,” Zach muttered.
“Just tell me. Not everything just . . .why.”
Because if he didn’t, Gavin was going to dig out his tablet when Zach left and Google it, and he really, really didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.
He couldn’t say he’dnevergone down it, but he’d gotten better about resisting. About realizing that the hole inside him andits accompanying agony was always worse when he let himself do it.
“I didn’t . . .I didn’tlikeit,” Zach said.
Gavin’s jaw dropped. That was not what he’d expected Zach to say.
“Youloveplaying hockey, though.”
“Yeah, I love playing hockey. I didn’t love playing it as a job. All that corporate bullshit. The trades. The pressure to win. Never sure what’s going to happen the next day.” Gavin watched as Zach’s throat, strong and tanned, worked. He wanted to press his fingertips to his skin andfeelit.
He looked away, shaky and suddenly unsure.
“And,” Zach added, like he didn’t want to even say it, but he couldn’tnot, “the gay thing really fucking sucked.”
Fury coalesced inside Gavin. He knew what Zach had been saying about the corporate bullshit. The intense highs of winning. The catastrophic lows of losing. But he’d never imagined Zach’s sexuality was going to be a problem. He’d listened intently when Zach had come out, stammering and blushing, and reassured him that he wouldn’t be alone. That there were others. That nobody would give him shit. He’d shown him articles about the out players in professional football. About the Riptide and the Piranhas. How the new owner of the Charleston Condors was gay and in a relationship with one of his ex-players. Zach had nodded intently, and later Noelle had teased Gavin, gently suggesting that Zach had probably been more aware of all of this than Gavin himself.
Had he been wrong? Had Gavinliedjust because he hadn’t known any better? Because he was stupid and clueless and ridiculously hopeful?
