Page 70 of Breaking the Ice
Zach knew he was begging with his eyes for Gavin to say something. But he didn’t, so Zach kept talking—like once the self-imposed dam was gone, he couldn’t stop himself.
“I didn’t think you might feel the same. Like it was really fucking crazy to even imagine it, but then you told me you liked guys, and I could justfeelit when you looked at me. And then the other night, in the quad—”
Gavin interrupted him. “Me being bisexual doesn’t mean I like you, Zach. Like that, anyway.”
Zach couldn’t believe it. Well, hecould, that was the whole fucking problem. This was the same idiot who’d leaned into him once and then twice and pulled away both times.
Well, Zach wasn’t going to let him be idiotic. “So you wanting to kiss metwice, was just . . .what exactly?”
Gavin’s fork clattered to his plate. “Not what you think,” he muttered.
“Bullshit,” Zach said. “I saw the way you looked at me yesterday. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from me when we were at the gym. I’m not stupid. I know when a guy is attracted to me.”
“It’s . . .” Gavin sighed, deeply. “Maybe it’s a little bit like that, Zach, but that doesn’t matter.”
Zach wanted to do a fist pump of joy. But he didn’t, because it wasn’t like Gavin seemed towantthis. Instead he seemed to still really be fighting against it. It was the worst time to remember Hayes saying,his big widower freakout, but maybe this was what this was, still.
“Seems like it matters from where I’m sitting,” Zach insisted.
“Zach.” Gavin said it so gently, but the letdown was coming. Suddenly, Zach could feel it and he wanted to run away before Gavin could actually do it. “We can’t do this. We can be co-workers. You can be my assistant coach. I can be your mentor. We can be friends, even, but we can’t be more.”
Zach swallowed hard. “Because I’m your assistant coach?” He’d go quit tomorrow if that was the case, but he had a feeling that wasn’t it, at all.
“There’s so many reasons why but sure, let’s start with that. Then add in you’re too young for me—you were myplayer, for God’s sake. Then I just . . .I can’t do that again. I won’t ever date again.” Gavin cleared his throat and picked up his fork. “I hope you understand that.”
He did. And he didn’t.
“I . . .” Zach swallowed hard. “Okay.”
“It’s not you, it’s me?”
Zach rolled his eyes. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Maybe it’s supposed to makemefeel better,” Gavin said so gently, like he thought Zach might actually break. And the worst thing was hemight.
Hayes had told him not to push. And he’d pushed and look what had fucking happened.
“But, what about in the future . . .” Zach trailed off.
It wasn’t hard to see the finality in Gavin’s expression, and after he’d witnessed it, it was nearly impossible to keep going.
“No,” Gavin said.
“But you said you didn’t want to coach again and look what happened there.” Zach knew he was pushing too hard, but then he’d done that too, with the job, and that had turned out. Gavin had actually beenhappyhe’d pushed right into his space, not letting him rot away in the wilds of Michigan.
Maybe this would turn out the same way.
But Gavin just shook his head, his expression tentative, like he was incredibly worried how Zach might react.
For a second, Zach wanted to tell him he was right. That he was going to stomp out of Jimmy’s and throw a hissy fit and quit in a fit of disgruntled rage.
It sucked. Ithurt. But at the same time, Zach got it. He’d seen Gavin and Noelle together. He knew how deeply Gavin had loved her.
He didn’t want to remember that or understand why Gavin might convince himself he could never date again. But he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m sorry, Zach,” Gavin said. “I wish—sometimes I wish it could be different. But it can’t.”
Zach swallowed down a whole bunch of bitter disappointment. Maybe having Gavin as a friend and a mentor would be enough. Especially if he knew there was no chance. If he truly believed there wasn’t any hope.
