Page 64 of Breaking the Ice
“It’s a normal human body function, Gavin.”
Gavin took a deep breath. “No,” he said.
“No, it’s not a normal human body function orno, you haven’t been.”
“The latter,” Gavin ground out.
Jon raised an eyebrow. “Is it the same problem or a different problem?”
He was going to have to say it. Out loud.
“I don’t want to, because I’m afraid,” Gavin said in a rush.
“Not that you’re going to think about Noelle. That you’re going to think about Zach?”
God, it felt so wrong to nod his agreement, but that was the case, wasn’t it?
Four weeks ago, after a particularly late night at the office, he’d been so keyed up, he’d lain in bed and thought,I should. Hoping that maybe it would help calm him down enough to sleep.
But the moment his hand had drifted down to touch himself, Zach had appeared in his mind, as he had earlier that night,stretching his arms over his head, a sliver of golden stomach and abs peeping out from under his T-shirt.
Gavin had yanked his hand back like he’d been shocked.
He wasnotgoing to jerk off thinking about Zach. That wasn’t just nudging up to the line—that was skating right across it.
And he hadn’t tried since, because he already knew what was going to happen if he did.
“You’re allowed to think about him, Gavin,” Jon said quietly.
“No, I’m really not,” Gavin said.
“You know the difference between what’s happening in your mind and what’s happening for real.”
“Of course I do.” But if he keptthinkingabout it, if he let himselfreallygo there, all of this would just get way fucking harder.
“It’s not a betrayal,” Jon said, like he hadn’t even spoken. “You know my opinion on this. She wouldn’t want you to be unhappy and alone forever.”
“And she doesn’t get to have an opinion, because she isn’t here,” Gavin snapped.
Jon sighed.
“What about finding someone else? Someone else with less history? A stranger?”
“That sounds awful,” Gavin said. He didn’t want just anyone. If he let himself, what he wanted was Zach.
It might be terrible and wrong, but that didn’t change the fundamental way he felt.
“Then I want you to try it.”
“Dating—” Gavin started to argue.
But Jon interrupted him before he could. “No, not dating. Simpler than that. Just . . .when you go to touch yourself, let yourself think about whatever you want. Even if it’s Zach.”
“I don’t know,” Gavin said doubtfully.
“I think it would be good for you.”
Gavin didn’t agree with that at all, but Jon was the expert here, and he’d been right about everything so far. Even about him supposedly never working in hockey again.
