Page 139 of Breaking the Ice
“No, no, though I don’t think it would be a bad thing, if you’re both into it, to try having some vanilla sex every once in awhile.”
Gavin had considered that. He wanted Zach to fuck him, next time they were in bed together, and he had a feeling he wasn’t going to want it to be anything else other than what it was. Him and Zach, together, giving and taking.
“Alright,” Gavin said. Thenhepaused. “Are you really not gonna tell me what’s bothering you? Is everything okay?”
Jon chuckled awkwardly and rubbed a hand across his jaw. “I kept expecting to have to askyouthat, Gavin,”
“What, why?”
Jon winced. “Gavin, it’s February 1.”
It was.
Gavin had thought about it when he’d fallen asleep last night, listening to Zach’s soft snores next to him, feeling the warm press of his body against Gavin’s. And he’d thought about it this morning, when he’d first woken up, ten minutes before the alarm.
He’d had that ten minutes to mull over the fact that it was his anniversary, his fifth without Noelle, and for the first time, he’d been sad, but he’d also been . . .accepting. There was a bittersweet flavor to his thoughts, no question, but he hadn’t felt once like crawling back under the covers and disappearing from the world. And if hehad, he knew he’d have wanted Zach to be right there with him.
“Yeah, it is,” Gavin said.
There was no hiding it; Jon’s jaw dropped. “You remembered?”
Gavin shot him an incredulous look. “You thought I forgot?”
“Well,no, not necessarily but I wondered. It’s a day you’ve historically struggled with. I thought it was why you’d made the appointment today.”
Gavin realized, suddenly, why Zach had been quiet today. Why he’d told him he’d be in the library all afternoon and evening. Why he’d kissed Gavin goodbye this morning and then essentially disappeared.
Yes, he had homework and his classes, but it was the first time he’d been so silent.
God, this was why Gavin loved him so much. He was giving Gavin the space to grieve, even if Gavin didn’t need it anymore.
He’d had his ten minutes, and that had been enough for today.
“Shit, I think Zach was thinking the same,” Gavin said, groaning. “He’s been quiet all day. Especially after I mentioned I had therapy.”
“You really don’t want to talk about it,” Jon stated rather than asked.
“I . . .it’s not that I don’t miss her. Or I didn’t love her. I did and I do, every day. But . . .you know how you sometimes tell me about the fullness of grief? I let it invade my whole life and run it, no questions, no checks and balances, for years. I couldn’t do it anymore. Not only that . . .I didn’twantto do that anymore.”
Jon smiled.
“And I think,” Gavin added, before Jon could sayI told you so, “that this whole time, every time we talked, for years, this was what this was leading to. Me not wanting grief to run my whole life anymore. For me to accept it and give it a corner in my mind and in my heart and to say, leave the rest of me alone.”
“Yes,” Jon said. He was smiling bigger now, maybe bigger and brighter than Gavin had ever seen him smile before.
“Well. Damn.” Gavin felt it too but then he wasn’t blind enough to believe that he hadn’t been here, even without realizing it, for some time.
“Proud of you, Gavin,” Jon said.
Gavin took a deep breath and said, “Proud of me, too.”
“That guy of yours is good for you. And you’re good for him, too. You did a lot of the hard work, the toughest work, before you met him again, but because you did, you were ready for it.”
“I . . .” Gavin trailed off. If he was going to say he was in love with Zach, he was going to do it to Zach first, not his therapist. He was too emotionally healthy to fuck this up, now. “You know how I feel about him but I haven’t told him yet so I think I’d better wait.”
“Good call. And, Gavin?”
“Yeah?”
