Page 100 of Breaking the Ice
Then Gavin was going to launch himself into the fucking sun.
No, really, he was going to melt right through this floor.
It would be humiliating and terrifying and exhilarating and Gavin wasn’t even sure what he’d do about it.
“Then . . .I don’t know. I really fucked this up,” Gavin said, scrubbing a hand across his face. “How do I know that, though, without trying it?”
“Dating?”
“Yes, ugh,” Gavin retorted. “Zach said we werealreadydating, but surely I would know if we were?”
“I don’t know, would you?”
Gavin made a face, before he remembered that Jon could see.
“Answer the question,” Jon added firmly. “You can’t keep pretending that you’re clueless. Or that you don’t know why even the thought of dating makes you want to quit therapy or fuck up this new life you’re building.”
“I don’t know why—”
“Bullshit,” Jon said frankly.
Gavin took a deep breath. Tried to calm his racing heart. He didn’t want to say it out loud. He didn’t even want tothinkit.
“It’s . . .it’s wrong to move on. It means I didn’t, that all that grief was for . . .” He swallowed hard, past the lump in his throat. “It means that all that grief was fornothing.”
Jon’s expression softened. “Gavin, it doesn’t.”
“It does, itdoes,” he choked out. “She’d be so angry.”
“She wouldn’t. I wasn’t ever lucky enough to meet your wife, but from the way you’ve talked about her, she seemed like a generous, kind person who loved you a lot and I think . . .” Jon paused, stared at him even though Gavin could barely meet his eyes on the screen. “I think she’d be really happy that you’re happy, again.”
Gavin couldn’t speak. Reminded in force, in so many ways, of every way Noellehadbeen generous and kind. Funny, too. Never taking herself too seriously. Always poking gentle fun at him. Making him laugh. Getting him out of his own head.
Kind of like Zach did.
Gavin bowed his head and tried to swallow his tears down.
“I don’t know if Icanbe,” he choked out.
“That’s not true,” Jon said, “because I can tell you, from where I’m sitting, in the two and a half years since we started talking, I’ve never seen you this happy.”
“That’s . . .” Gavin gulped air. Wiped his eyes. “That’s awful. But great.”
“Guilt is a very common feeling in these situations,” Jon soothed. “But you don’tneedto feel it, Gavin. You mourned deeply and completely. None of your grief was a waste. But I told you when you took this job, you were going to come back to life again. Feeling attraction and dating? That’s normal. That’s part of it.”
“Then why does it feel soawful,” Gavin whined.
“Does it really, though?” Jon questioned. “Or do youwantit to feel awful so you don’t feel guiltier?”
Gavin hated it, but Jon had a point. When he was with Zach—when Zach was smiling at him, and they were talking and sharing a table at the diner or at the sub shop or even Gavin’s couch—it wasamazing.
Everything that Gavin wanted.
Except . . .he could admit that wasn’t entirely true. He wanted more, too. Why else could he not stop thinking about Zach every time he touched himself?
The more he thought, the more Gavin realized how much time they’d been spending together. The more he’d looked forward to it. Zach’s face in the morning, at the gym, his voice echoing in his ears at night.
How much he’d wanted every moment of it, andmore.
