Page 72 of Colt
But I don’t have anything to say, so I just maneuver myself out of the vehicle, into my driveway, and head into the house.
I don’t go to bed, I lie down on the couch. I try to figure out something to say to her tomorrow. But I don’t know what to say.
This is another thing I don’t like about any of the changes that have happened. I feel helpless.
I’ve deliberately made a life where I don’t feel that way.
And now I do. Pretty much all the time.
It’s unbearable.
And the only thing that ever made all this bearable was having Allison here with me.
Tonight, she isn’t here.
She probably won’t be again.
I probably messed it up. And that hurts worse than my leg has for a good while.
Chapter Fourteen
Allison
The dinner invitation from my dad is unwelcome. Mainly because I don’t want to see anybody right now, much less my family, much less difficult. We’ve made a lot of excuses the last few weeks to not do that together, and I have a feeling it’s not going to wash. Not after last night, not with Gentry and Lily there.
I know that I need to go and talk to Colt. But I’ve been avoiding him the whole day for pretty good reason.
I’ve just about got my motivation to go and talk to him when there’s a knock on my door.
I know it’s him. I feel a little bit satisfied by that. Because apparently he feels bad about all this too. Last night I questioned that. Whether or not we really have the connection that it felt like we did for the last few weeks. Part of me would love to be satisfied by his jealousy, but it’s not an emotional jealousy.
It was possessiveness.
It was about my physical body, not about me as a person.
I just know that. I don’t need to deep dive into the whiskey-drunk mind of Colt Campbell to know that. Especially given the way he treated me the entire night. Like he didn’t have anything to say to me, like there was no expanding and deepening relationship between the two of us, which nobody would be that surprised by. I’ve been taking care of him for the last three weeks. You would expect that we would maybe have a little bit more of an understanding between us than we did before.
He’s a mess.
Maybe I am too. Because I told myself that I was going to keep my emotions in order if we did this. I told myself it was going to help me through the unrequited feelings I’ve had for him for years. Instead, I’ve been straying into dangerous territory. Essentially, I’ve been pushing through an injury rather than letting it heal. Emotionally, I’m Colt. I jerk the door open, and there he is.
“I need to talk to you,” he says.
“Yeah. I was about to come talk to you. My dad invited us over for dinner.”
He nods. “I know. I also got a text. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about. I’m sorry about last night. I was drunk.”
“I know you were. But I also think that maybe there was a lot of truth in the things that you said.”
He looks a little bit blank. “I’ll be honest with you. I’m not entirely sure what I said, and what was just me ranting in my head.”
“You said enough, but I’m sure there was a little bit that you kept on the inside. And you know what? You’re welcome to go ahead and keep it on the inside.”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“I know you are. You never want to hurt me or anyone. Last night you were who you aspire to be. Except when you got in that dude’s face.”
“I just… I know that you’re mad at me about the way that I treated you last night, but the honest truth is, I don’t know how to be near you without… Touching you.” He looks undone by that admission. A little bit helpless, and I feel something inside me soften. To me, that felt like a rejection of myself, my whole self, as a human being. Maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way. Maybe I’m not being entirely fair. I’ve had years of practice with wanting him and not showing it. I thought it might be nice to sit and act like friends actually in a public space.
