Page 37 of Colt
My heart is pounding so hard I can barely breathe. There’s not a whole lot of forbidden fruit in my life. Hell, I can’t say that I’ve ever really thought I wanted it. Right now, with her lips so close to mine, I can almost taste it, and her. She’s the one woman I can’t touch. I want to. God.
I feel like it might fix everything. I feel like –
“Don’t.”
Her words are firm and decisive. “Don’t do this to me. If you need a pain pill, take a fucking pain pill, but I am not an opiate for your ego, Colt Campbell. I refuse to be. I won’t be. I’m not going to make you feel better about yourself, or make you feel like you're whole. That isn’t fair. That isn’t fair of you to try and do this to me.”
I rear back. “I’m not.”
“You fucking are. You’ve never looked at me twice. Not ever, and then suddenly yesterday, today… Suddenly, now you want to kiss me? I’m your stepsister, you dumbass. And before that, I was your best friend’s annoying little sister, and we both know that is the only way that you have ever looked at me. Ever. Don’t try to pretend that now you magically see something in me. What you see is weakness in yourself, and you don’t like it. What you see is your own mortality, and you want to feel something else instead, but I’m a person. I’m not a buckle bunny, I’m not some girl you can fuck while you’re on the circuit and then forget about. You’re going to have to see me almost every day for the rest of your life. Our parents are married. I am a giant consequence that you will struggle to be free of, so I would thinkbetter of it. If you can’t think better of it because I deserve better than being used, at least think of how awkward Thanksgiving would be.”
She slips away from me and goes into the house, slamming the glass door behind her.
“Fuck,” I say. This backyard is soaking up more colorful language now that it’s probably seen in its last hundred and fifty years of existence.
I really screwed up. I was not trying to hurt her. I wasn’t trying to use her. But I can’t deny that half of what’s been driving me is this need to feel something. But I’m not using her in the way she means. I feel like she might be the answer. Her specifically.
Maybe.
She’s right about Thanksgiving, though. But then, I have decent relationships with women I’ve slept with. There are a few women in town that I have ongoing things with. No animosity. No expectations, no nothing. It doesn’t need to be contentious. But the problem is, I can’t be all that articulate about my attraction to her, because it’s not something I’ve given enough thought to. On purpose. The minute that I first felt attracted to her, I shut that shit down.
I’m not the kind of dark, tortured motherfucker who’s just going to sit around thinking about how he wants his stepsister in a biblical fashion. It’s just not my style. I don’t do longing. I simply don’t.
As soon as I started feeling that, I just cut it off. I’m good at that.
I take a deep breath. And I marvel at how many stupid things have happened in the last hour. It’s kind of impressive.
I let out a breath, and I head into the house, because if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a coward.
“Allison?”
“I’m here,” she says. She pops out of the kitchen and stands there staring at me. “I’m not going to leave you here to die just because I’m mad at you.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. About us. About the fact that it’s not right. Because of our relationship. But I don’t want you to think that the only reason it happened is because I feel bad about myself.”
“Then why did it happen?”
“Because I’ve actually been in close proximity with you for too long. Because I… You’re hot. That’s just true. And I don’t sit around dwelling on that. Okay?”
“Oh.”
“I’m not so small that I have to try to make myself feel better by giving myself a pity fuck, okay?”
“That’s… I believe you.” She looks bothered by that. But hell, I’m bothered by it. It also galls me a little bit that there’s an element of… It’s not that. It’s not. But I do feel a little bit small, and I can’t say that I’ve ever felt that before in my life. I feel helpless. I don’t want to be in my body, so I don’t understand why anybody would want my body in them.
Jesus. I hate all this.
Above all else, I’m in a really bad place right now. And one thing I can’t be doing is dragging Allison down here with me. There would be real consequences to that. There’s a reason she’s forbidden.
I wish that word didn’t make my blood feel hotter. I wish my cock wasn’t hard for the first time in fucking weeks.
“We can just forget it happened,” she says. “I want to forget it happened.”
“Yeah. We’ll forget it.”
“We have dinner at Cindy and Dad’s tonight.”
“Yeah. I know.” Her voice is flat.
