Page 35 of Colt
“Yeah. Sure. Right then, you didn’t seem any steadier on your feet than I am. Makes me a little concerned for your safety.”
I think he’s actually being sincere, and not messing with me. But I do think he’s also saying it because he wants to feel like he’s taking care of me. Maybe that’s where all the sincerity about my hard work in my schooling comes from. Trying to reposition this whole thing. Reposition himself, because I saw the total discomfort in his eyes when I had to help him down from the truck. I know this is killing him. But God damn, he just about killed me.
I’m gasping, my heart pounding so hard I’m sure that he can hear it. And if he can’t hear that, then surely he can tell that I’m trying to suck in air like a fish that got tossed out of its bowl and onto the countertop.
I’m like a tragic, under-sexed guppy.
But then, so is he. That clarity rolls right to the front of my brain. He’s trying to feel more like himself. He’s stuck like this, and he feels diminished. Attraction… Having a woman want him, that’s something he’s familiar with. It’s something that makes them feel good. And suddenly, I feel small.
Because he’s never looked at me that way before. I’ve never seen fire like that in his eyes, and I know it’s not really about me. It’s about him. It’s about the way that he feels about himself. It’s about his need to feel like he’s healing. Getting back to normal. Because God knows if he were out there in the arena tonight, collecting cheers from the crowd, he wouldn’t be desperate for me.
He would have plenty of attention. Attention, that’s a hell of a lot more desirable to him than mine.
All the heat inside of me is doused by that thought, and I turn away from him.
“Your mom invited us over tomorrow night.”
“Okay.”
“Since you’re feeling so much better, that shouldn’t be difficult.”
“Yeah. I’m sure it won’t be.”
“I have a test that I have to go in person for. So I’m going to be driving to campus. And I won’t be around.”
“That’s fine.”
“Just… Just so you know.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
I can tell that my abrupt departure is confusing to him. But I would rather have them stay confused and have him look at me for too long and know exactly what I’m feeling.
Because that would be one humiliation too many.
Chapter Nine
Colt
I was actually trying to be nice last night, but I managed to get under Allison’s skin anyway. She was obviously mad at me when she left. And my palm was still burning from where I grabbed her hip.
God dammit. I don’t need to be fixating on how pretty she is right now. That’s one of those weird aberrations that has popped up a few times in the last few years, but nothing that I’ve been around long enough to let become a problem. I don’t generally sit in rooms with her for this long, not without the buffer of Gentry, my mom, and Jim. It’s just not something that usually happens.
Because of that, I am not generally left marinating in it.
But this has been a lot of Allison in a short amount of time.
And I’m more affected than I would like to be.
But then, that’s a theme in my life right now. I’m more affected by fucking everything that I would like to be. When I woke up this morning, my whole body hurt. That hurt hasn’t gone away. I pound down a few extra strength painkillers – justthe over-the-counter kind, not the intense ones, and tried to sit and watch TV. But I’m bored. I’m bored by everything. Before the season started, I was working on a project in the yard. And I’m half tempted to go see what I can get done now. I try to push that intrusive thought away. I’m supposed to be sitting still.
But the more I sit, the more I just stare at the wall, the more I see my own accident replaying, over and over again.
Fuck this.
