Page 82 of Colt
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because. I figured if you wanted me to know you would’ve told me. I figured that it was probably kind of complicated. I wanted to let it be complicated, and let you talk about it when you needed to. And look, I was right. You need to now.”
“That’s… Really… Nonjudgmental of you.”
“I haven’t had a lot of friends in my life, and I admit, I didn’t know if this was something I should actually be pushing about. Something that I should’ve tried to get you to share, but I didn’t want to push you too hard. And if there’s one thing I know, being a kid with a certain amount of trauma and getting bounced around to different places, I always felt safer with the people who waited for me to tell them what I needed, or what was wrong. Rather than the people who pushed me when I wasn’t ready.”
“Well, thank you. I should’ve trusted you from the beginning, I feel. But it was just… I thought that we would just do it for a while, and then we would stop, and it would be fine. But I love him.”
Sarah wraps her arms around me. “I know. I know you do. And it feels really miserable.”
“Yes.” I bury my head in my hands. “I think I went too far. I demanded things from him that he’s not ready to give.”
“Well, love’s weird. And intense. So if you’re a little weird and intense while you’re experiencing it, that feels fair.”
“But I might’ve just blown everything up.”
“Well, now he has to figure out what he’s going to do.”
“He’s scared. He doesn’t know who he is when he’s not winning. And he’s turned it into this whole thing about how him chasing the spotlight means he’s like his dad, but that’s not it. He’s just scared that if the spotlight’s not on him, no one will want him. And maybe I could’ve been gentler, maybe I could’ve accepted where he was at more but I’m just… I’m tired. I’m tired of being measured and accepting. I just wanted…”
“You’re tired of taking care of other people. You’re tired of not depending on people. Believe me, I get that. I had to kind of be my own little island for a really long time. And when I was done, I was done. You don’t have to apologize for that.”
“But I might’ve ruined everything.” Or,” she says. “You might’ve fixed it.”
I keep thinking about the conversation I had with him a little while ago. About how this had happened to him, so he could find other healing. And I cling to that as I cry on Sarah’s couch. The idea that this has to happen for there to be real healing. For there to be a real resolution. That I had to take it there in order to fix it. That might just be wishful thinking, and that’s not something I usually do.
But I need it now. I need it because after everything I’ve been through, this is the thing that might actually break me.
It’s like somehow I always knew.
That he would be the one to shatter me entirely.
But even as I weep, I find myself filled with a strange sort of strength and gratitude.
Because I don’t know that it was ever clearer to me the way that I’ve lived safely, the way that I’ve held back, until now.
And I’m not going to do that anymore.
I might feel broken, but I’m not. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I know exactly who I am. I know exactly what I want.
“No guts, no glory,” I whisper.
I might not have the glory, but God damn, I have guts.
I know that now.
And it’s something I’m going to carry with me for the rest of my life. Even if I can’t have him.
Chapter Nineteen
Colt
It’s been a month since Allison told me she loved me.
It’s been a month of hell.
I’ve barely seen her. She moved. I didn’t go help.
