Page 77 of Colt
“You’ve known me a long time. Have you ever known me to change an opinion?”
“I guess not.”
“No. This is no exception.”
“Don’t say anything to her. She really didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Okay,” Gentry says. “I won’t.”
I can tell he’s mad at me. I can tell he’s lost respect for me.
I expected that. And it’s honestly more comfortable than him telling me I’m good. Than him telling me I do deserve her.
Because that just can’t be true.
I don’t have anything to offer her. That’s the bottom line.
I’m a broken-up cowboy who doesn’t know who he is outside the spotlight. I crashed out yesterday, but I might not have hit rock bottom yet.
I’m not dragging her down with me.
I didn’t spend this many years trying not to be my dad only to fuck it up now.
Especially not with her.
She’s not going to be some experiment. Not going to be my trial and error at a happy ending.
Not because she doesn’t matter.
Because she matters too much.
Chapter Sixteen
Allison
Time just keeps rolling on relentlessly. It’s almost September, Colt is doing physical therapy three days a week, and so close to getting off crutches it’s borderline miraculous.
I’ve been going with him to the hospital for some of his in-person sessions. It is a long drive. I’m glad that I’m moving. I really am. I tell myself that every time I take that long ass trip to Tolowa. I have my apartment picked out, the deposit put down. I had money in savings from the job at Sammy’s.
So I was able to do that on my own. The rent is higher than what I was paying at Cindy’s place. The deal she was giving me was too good to be true.
My dad has offered to cover any expenses I can’t cover on my own, and I’m grateful all over again for the support of my family.
I have so much. So the fact that I still feel the sort of hollow, unsatisfied feeling in my stomach as time ticks by is a me problem. I’m not missing anything. Not really.
Yes, I have strong feelings for Colt. Yes, I’m not looking forward to the physical aspect of our relationship ending – whowould be excited about losing such great sex? No one I know. It’s sex. That’s all.
“I want to drive back.” Colt says as we head out of the session.
“You’re not tired?”
“I am tired. But I’m making progress. So… You’ve been driving me everywhere. I think I should get to take care of you too.”
“I don’t need it.”
“Everyone needs it sometimes.”
Not me. I don’t want to need it. Because the minute you need someone, you could lose them. Better to be needed. It’s why taking care of Colt has been so great. And yes, there’s been a lot of sex, and I’ve enjoyed it, but I don’t want… I don’t want to get used to this. I don’t want to get used to him caring for me.
