Page 64 of Colt
“Because it’s a long drive on a winding road and it’s a Tuesday, so probably nobody will be there?”
In my opinion, it’s one of the most beautiful lakes in the area, but it’s not as popular as some of the larger lakes, you aren’t allowed to have motor craft on it, and it’s about ten miles of gravel, then a hike down to the water. But it’s clear, pristine and lovely, and I would really like the chance to be alone with him again, but somewhere not in the house.
Because the truth is, he’s getting well enough to start doing things in town, and he should. Because the truth is, we can’t hide forever.
It’s going to be strange when we have to include other people in our lives, but it’s going to happen. Hell, it even needs to happen.
But until then, I just want to enjoy this.
“Yeah. That sounds good. I can’t swim in the lake, though.”
“I know. But we can just look at it.”
“I am antsy to get out of the house.”
“Do you think you might enjoy… I don’t know, going to the saloon?”
The last time we talked about him going out and about in town on his crutches, he was pretty leery.
But this time, he nods slowly. “Yeah. I think I might like that. Maybe we can go out with Dallas and Sarah, that would be fun.”
“Yeah.”
Neither of us says that it sort of seems like a double date. But I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing I am. Of course, nobody would ever think that, because we are… Well, as far as the town is concerned, we are related. As far as I’m concerned, we are definitely not. By marriage, I suppose, but not in the way that makes this more than taboo.
“We can invite Gentry and Lily,” he says.
Oh right. So he did think the same thing.
“Yeah. Let’s do that.”
I decide to prepare a picnic for today’s trek, and he goes to take a shower. It’s so domestic. And it’s funny that I would even think that, because he and I lived together back all that time ago and we weren’t anything like domestic. And now little bits of everyday routine are part of us. It makes me happy, and in a way that I’m a little bit afraid to admit. Makes me happy in a way that makes me uncomfortable, honestly.
That’s a problem for the future. It’s definitely not something that we need to worry about now. I don’t think about any of those problems. Not while we drive out to the lake. It’s a beautiful day. We go in his truck because that’s the best for gravel, and I’m pleased when we don’t see another car on the road leading up to the water. We’re rewarded by there being no one there.
This is just so perfect. Idyllic.
Romantic. There is building friendship between us, there’s sex, but romance…
I don’t really know where that line begins to blur, I guess. We sit together, he holds on to me on the couch. He holds my hand.
As I look around the beautiful spot, the surface of the lake glistening in the sunshine like diamonds, the tall green pines swaying gently, the velvet grass dotted with pink flowers. Birds chirping.
Oh God. This isromantic.
As we walk together to the plush grass just above the lake shore, I find myself completely frozen by that realization. That I’m taking him on a date. It’s that I’m advancing this beyond sex and companionship to something more. Or maybe I’m not. Maybe this is a normal sort of thing. Maybe.
Maybe this is just part of me helping him heal. Yeah. I do have a strong instinct toward that. It’s my vocation, after all.
I look at him, at his profile, his strong jaw. I have a sudden realization that I really wish I weren’t having. He’s healing something in me. Because there’s some kind of profound joy in this. A real sort of attachment that I’ve never felt before. I’ve certainly never had feelings for a man on this scale before. I’ve never let myself.
He was this distant object of desire. I’ve had a thing for him for a long time. A very long time.
And there was something about that that kept me safe. When it was a theory. And then I kept myself even safer by making him my enemy. I kept all my intense feelings bottled up, and found boys my own age who didn’t challenge me, who didn’t like me on fire.
Being with him, it’s reaching for the sun. For an object that might scald me. For something that I never wanted to let myself have. Being with him is incredible.
He’s so far beyond any fantasy I ever dared to have.
