Page 36 of Best Laid Plans
Holding her breath, she turned over carefully and found herself face to face with Julien. His eyes were still firmly shut and flickering slightly in REM sleep, his chest bare above the covers.
It all came flooding back to her in one long agonising rush.
She’d totally lost it last night after telling Julien all her sorry woes and he’d felt forced into taking her to bed to comfort her.
Ugh!What a fool she’d made of herself.
Poor Julien. He’d invited her for a sail and swim from his boat and she’d gone all melodramatic talk-show on him.
Trouble was, she’d been holding in this guilt – this fear that the failure of the relationship with Gavin had all been her fault – for so long she’d not realised how close to the surface her pain and sadness really was. She’d just kept pushing it down in order to survive, and as soon as anyone had shown the slightest bit of interest in her she’d blurted the whole thing out in one long rambling splurge.
And he’d been so kind about it. In fact, he’d been more than kind, he’d been downright generous in his praise of her. Which had only served to heighten the emotion of it all.
It had been like a catharsis, hearing Julien – someone she respected, revered and whose opinion she cared about – tell her it wasn’t her fault. It had released something inside her. She’d finally been able to let the shame go and see the bigger picture.
It had brought it home to her what a fool she’d been, thinking that Gavin could be someone she could spend the rest of her life with. She’d actually had a lucky escape when he left her.
Winter Wedding Womanwas welcome to him and his inferiority complex.
But watching Julien now as he slept so peacefully, she felt like a fraud. She’d let him think she was distraught about Gavin leaving her, but that hadn’t really been it at all. It was Julien she was most upset about. As she’d told him her miserable tale and seen the understanding and support in his eyes, she’d known without a doubt that she’d lied to herself about their connection meaning nothing important to her.
She’d fallen for him.
Hard.
But of course, she knew it was pointless to hope he felt the same way. He’d already backed away from her more than once, citing his need for freedom after his messy divorce, and one night with her wasn’t going to change that.
Because that’s what they’d agreed, after all. Just one night.
In the heat of the moment, it had seemed like a good idea. A lovely way to conclude their time together. But now she wasn’t so sure.
After the pain of Gavin’s cruel dismissal, she shouldn’t have put herself in a position where she might feel rejected again.
Unless Julien gave her a sign that he’d changed his mind about not looking for another relationship? But she was pretty sure he wasn’t going to do that.
He’d probably only slept with her last night because he’d felt sorry for her and didn’t know what else to do when she’d blubbed all over him.
Her whole body flooded with prickly heat at the thought.
Was that all it had been? A kindness to her? Because he was kind – she knew that now she’d finally broken through his gruff exterior. But would he regret what they’d done this morning?
She stared into his handsome face, wondering what it would be like to wake up every day and find him lying next to her. To be allowed to reach over and cup his face in her hands and plant a tender loving kiss on his lips. To be grateful every day for his presence beside her.
There was an ache deep inside her ribs that was making it hard to breathe. The hopelessness of the situation made her want to scream with frustration. Why did she have to meet him now? At the worst possible time in his life.
Perhaps because it wasn’t meant to be, a small voice in her head warned.
If only he’d lower his defences enough for her to get through to him. But she understood why he was afraid to let her in; divorce could be a soul-destroying experience that could take years to recover from. And with him living so far away from her there would be no opportunity to take things slowly, to try each other out for size, without making a major commitment.
It would be asking way too much of him.
And she knew how holiday flings went. He’d forget all about her once he returned to his real life, once the enchantment of their time together had worn off. She’d just be some girl he knew for a few days. An interlude. Barely even an anecdote.
And she wasn’t prepared to be someone else’s rebound relationship.
So this had to end now. Today.
Which was gutting.
