Page 61 of Best Mistake Ever
Having sex wasn’t it though.
Idiot!
Now I know how amazing it can be with him, I’m never going to be able to forget it. Or experience the joy of it with him again, judging by his reaction to me afterwards.
I want to cry. But I’m not going to. I have to move forwards, one step at a time and look to the day when I don’t feel this way any more.
If only I could say I wish I’d never met Jonah Jacobson, but that would just be another lie.
16
JONAH
After leaving Bea, I get a cab back to Gladbrooke and head straight for the lake. The scene of my humiliation.
Both times.
Flopping down onto the hard bank, I stare out across the water, my vision blurring as tears burn in my eyes.
What the fuck just happened?
I know I was still a bit pissed when I turned up to see her, but I don’t think that was the reason I gave in to her seduction so easily.
Truth is, I needed to have sex with her to put an end to the constant ache I’ve been feeling and it completely clouded my judgement. Stupidly, in the back of my mind, I think I believed it would rid me of those feelings. That once we’d banged, I’d get her out of my system.
But no.
I just want her even more now.
It was incredible, the connection I felt with her in those moments. Like the first deep drink of water when you’re parched.
But it scared the shit out of me too, which is why I had to get out of there right away. I know it was a fucking cruel way to behave and I’ll have really hurt her, but I had to do it. I needed to make it a clean break: something we couldn’t come back from. Because otherwise I know I’d be tempted to go back to her and I can’t do that. I have to protect myself.
I can’t get hurt again and go back to that dark place I was in a few months ago.
Except now I just feel raw and exposed, much more so than I did before because I know how good it can be with her. Why the hell did I let that happen? I’ve made everything a million times harder for myself. Because I really don’t want to care about her.
Ha. Too late, Jacobson.
And she said she loves me. But does she really? Or was she just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear? You see? How can I trust anything she tells me now?
I’ve learnt my lesson, after Tessa. If I find someone has lied to me, that’s it. Finito. No second chances. I’m not getting sideswiped like that again.
I have to be able to trust my partner and that ship’s well and truly sailed with Bea.
Time to move on. Even if the thought of it fills me with dread.
Can it only be yesterday that I was excited for the future for the first time in ages?
I suddenly feel so crushingly alone. Bea’s gone, my dad’s constantly abroad, my mum is in London and too busy to see me most of the time and my brother couldn’t give a shit about me.
When I was with Bea, I really thought I was with someone who truly wanted to be around me because she liked me.Me. Not because I have a famous father or a cool career that got me invited to all the best parties.
That she was a really genuine person who I could trust.
But it’s clear to me now that I really can’t.
Beatrice
