Page 48 of Best Mistake Ever
13
BEATRICE
The journey back to Gladbrooke is painful.
I’m intensely aware that this might be the last time I ever see Jonah and it’s all I can do to hold back the hot tears that are threatening to spill out of my eyes.
We don’t talk, just sit quietly next to each other as the scenery flies by.
My whole body is jangly with tension and sadness.
I can’t believe I have to walk away from this now. From him. Especially as he’s just let himself be so vulnerable with me by telling me such personal things.
Sitting and listening to him by that river, I desperately wanted to put my arms around him and hold him close, to tell him he’s braver than he knows for battling on, despite the cruelty and setbacks he’s had to deal with. But I knew I couldn’t do that. It would have led to something I really shouldn’t be contemplating.
I’m intensely aware I’ve let things go too far. I should never have allowed him to confide in me like that, not when I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. He’s already experienced somuch betrayal and if he finds out about our ruse now, it’s going to really hurt him.
How can I fix this? And is that even possible? Will he really believe that Dee is the woman he talked to so candidly by the river?
Hot shame rushes through me.
And if we do get away with it, what if Jonah and Dee get together once she comes back? How am I going to be able to act like I don’t mind? That I’m not attracted to him myself? How will I cope, seeing them together, wanting him to be with me instead? But of course, I’m being an idiot. He can’t ever know about me. It’ll be so obvious the moment he meets me that we’ve been tricking him.
Oh God. What have I done?
Too soon, we pull in through the gates to the estate and Jonah drives down the winding driveway and pulls into his usual space in the staff car park.
We both get out and walk to the back of the car.
Jonah clears his throat and I force myself to look at him.
He’s so gorgeous, with his strong jawline dusted with stubble and his dark, brooding features and my heart soars at the sight. In a frustrating counterpoint, there’s also a tightness in my chest that just won’t go away. I feel so connected to him now. There’s always been something there between us – something intense and exciting – I know that, even though I’ve been fighting it. I’ve felt so alive, being around him. Like he’s brought technicolour to my formerly monochrome life.
‘Well, feel free to head home,’ he says. ‘It’s been a crazy weekend and you deserve some rest. In fact, why don’t you take tomorrow off and I’ll see you the day after.’
My stomach lurches. I’m going to have to tell him more lies soon. ‘Oh, er, yes okay. I guess I could do that. Thanks.’
The sun is low in the sky now and we probably only have about half an hour till it sets.
It feels portentous.
So, this is how it ends.
I turn to go.
‘Actually, before you go, could I quickly show you the apple orchard?’ he says, as if he wants to delay me leaving.
I really should go, but the hope in his eyes is making it really difficult.
I can’t leave. Not this place. Not Jonah. Not yet.
I want to stretch out these last moments with him.
‘It’ll be good to show you the land around it, for the business proposal I’ll need to write for the loan. I’d like to get your thoughts on it. I’m excited about it. I think I’ll start writing it tonight.’
‘Umm—’ I hedge, at a total loss about what to do. I want to be able to help him, but I really should leave.
‘Please?’ he asks. ‘It’ll just take a couple of minutes.’
