Page 48 of Marry Me…Maybe?
‘Good.’ He nodded, surprised but pleased that he’d been able to get through to her. It wasn’t like him to get involved in someone else’s affairs, but he knew if he didn’t at least make her stop and think about how to make things easier on herself no one else would. ‘I’ll wait for you in the car,’ he said, brushing a stray piece of hair away from her face and giving her an encouraging nod.
‘Okay. I won’t be long,’ she said, turning and walking away, towards where her brother was standing talking with the bobbed-haired Betty.
As he walked back to the car a movement in the distance caught his eye and he saw what he thought looked like a flash of sunlight on a camera lens.
Who’d want to take photos in a graveyard? he wondered idly to himself, opening up her car and shoe-horning himself back into it.
Emily walked over to where her brother stood with Betty, her legs shaking less now that the ordeal of the ceremony was over. She’d been terrified of breaking down in front of everyone, and it had only been Theo’s robust presence next to her that had kept her strong. He’d been amazing today – truly amazing.
Her insides did a strange little jump at the thought of it.
Jake looked round as she approached, with a surprised but pleased smile on his face.
‘Emily – I thought I saw you leaving?’ Jake exclaimed.
‘I came back.’
He nodded. ‘Listen, I’m sorry, but Dad had to get back home quickly for something business related. He said to say goodbye,’ he said, glancing over his shoulder.
She gave a sarcastic laugh. ‘No, he didn’t, Jake. Why the hell are you covering for him?’
He looked uncomfortable. ‘Because I don’t think he’s right to treat you the way he does.’
‘Well, that’s big of you – considering you’ve always been Dad’s protégé.’
Jake sighed and ran a hand over his jaw. ‘Look, I just wanted to say that I know things were tough when we were young, and I realise that as the oldest you caught the brunt of it all. I was the protected, coddled younger one, and I acted as though you were part of the problem, but I was wrong to do that. I’m really glad you came here today because I wanted the opportunity to say sorry.’
She stared at her brother, sadness rising from deep within her. They’d both been victims, and so young when their world had crashed down around their ears. It was no wonder they’d reacted so badly to it all.
‘Apology accepted. And I’m sorry too, for being so impatient with you. It just felt like Dad was always on your side and I didn’t handle that well.’
He frowned and went to deny it, but she batted his objection away.
‘You always were Dad’s favourite. I reminded him too much of Mum, and no matter what I did, or how hard I tried to be who he wanted me to be, he never loved me like he loves you.’
Jake gave her a supportive but sad smile. ‘He’s not an easy man to please. It’s not your fault.’
‘Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself.’
Jake rubbed a hand over his brow. ‘Look, I understand why you don’t want anything to do with Dad – he’s never handled things well – but please don’t cut yourself off from me forever too. I want to get to know you again, Em. Please give me a chance to.’
She sighed and scuffed her toe against the grass. ‘I know it’s been a long time since we last spoke properly, and that’s mostlydown to my stubbornness.’ She folded her arms across her chest. ‘Maybe it’s time to put the past behind us.’
‘I’d like that.’
She nodded. ‘Okay. Although this isn’t exactly a great place for a family reunion, is it?’ she said, looking round at the emptying graveyard. ‘I’ll call soon. When I’ve got my head straight.’
‘Okay. Thank you.’
She went to turn away, but then stopped and turned back. ‘I wish I’d gone to visit her, Jake. I should have. She was all alone in there. I only ever thought of myself.’
She turned and started to walk away before the painful pressure in her throat gave her away.
Coming here today, she’d finally realised that the slow, dark dread that she’d carried around deep within her, seemingly forever, was the result of all the guilt and self-loathing that had plagued her since her mother’s first suicide attempt.
Theo had been right. She had hated herself. Or if not hated, then she hadn’t liked herself very much. And she’d never been brave enough to face her mother or her past, so she’d hidden from it. She was the coward.
Urgh, she was so messed up.
